


Home

by JaneCorvin



Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: Alternate Universe - Military, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rizzles, Romance, Smut, married
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2018-11-02 20:08:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 34,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10951809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaneCorvin/pseuds/JaneCorvin
Summary: Imagine your OTP making the most sweet, gentle, pure, passionate, tender love. Bonus: They had been separated for a long time.





	1. Coming Home

"Maura."

"Oh." Maura exhaled. If you can even call it that. It was more of a huff of barely there air. Her breathing was shallow as she held the front door of her home open, allowing the brisk Boston wind to fill every space inside of the brownstone. Her entire body felt numb and for some reason that her big brain hadn't come up with yet, her eyes instantly filled with tears; her nose tingling like the beginning of a sneeze. Maura's hand was stuck, clutching the slippery metal of the door knob. She could feel her heart slow as the tears rose higher, blurring the beige and dark green shades of the unmistakable military fatigue in front of her.

"Maura. Baby."

"I…" The blonde's tongue felt so thick that she had to open her mouth wider to accommodate it. What a scene it must have been. Instead of rushing forward, laughing and crying she was stock still, mouth gaped open and eyes looking strictly at the dog tags around a long neck. Finally, she let her eyes drift higher. Jane. Jane. Rizzoli. Jane Rizzoli. Standing on her porch. Standing on their porch with flowers in one hand and an apprehensive smile on her face that seemed more tanned than the last time she'd seen it.

"Jane?"

The sort-of-smile stretched across the brunette's face into a brilliant grin complementing bright eyes and that's when something inside of Maura broke. Her knees buckled and her hand slacked from the door, but that didn't stop her brain which was now rapidly picking up on what was happening. No. It was Jane. Right in front of her. Holding flowers for her. Not a machine gun for an insurgent. Her body suddenly lurched forward propelled by urgency as her knees neared the floor and she landed awkwardly in the soldier's arms. Her fingers greedily touched every part of the woman's jagged uniform. She nearly moaned at the combination of Jane effortlessly lifting her to her feet and the sound of her deep chuckle that she dreamed of every night without fault.

"Jane. You're home. You're home? Are you-…how did-…"

"Maura." Even Jane had a hard time uttering any word other than that name.

"But, it's December…it's Christmas. You're not supposed to be back until February."

Every single word was caught in the nape of Jane's neck as Maura pressed herself deeper into the other woman, half afraid she would fall to the ground if she didn't and half afraid that this would be another torturous dream. One where she would wake up hugging that ridiculously large teddy bear Jane had won her at the state fair the last time they were together. Over a year ago. But no, this was no stuffed animal. It was full of bone and muscle and smelled like Jane and wood and sand and god did it feel good as it held every part of her together.

"I'm home, Maur."

" yesyesyes." Tears streamed down her face as she nodded furiously repeating that one syllable over and over.

"Look at me," Jane said exhaling heavily as she let her long fingers bath in golden locks that were even softer than she remembered. "Maura. I'm home. I'm. Home." Hazel eyes frantically searched for meaning in brown eyes and when Jane raised her eyebrows she couldn't help but shake her head in confusion. "Come on." Jane simply laughed. "Use that big brain of yours." When Maura merely stared, tightening her hands around Jane's sides, the taller woman slightly pulled away with much protest. She took a deep breath before reaching up to her chest across from her heart to her name tag. Looking the love of her life in the eyes, she slowly pealed the patch away. Jane smiled as recognition graced Maura's face as she watched RIZZOLI-ISLES slide into the brunette's pocket followed seamlessly by matching dog tags.

"You're..."

"...home." A resounding gasp sprang from Maura's throat as Jane simultaneously lifted her off of her feet and crashed her desperate lips into hers. The blonde hummed loudly wrapping her bare legs around the rough material adorning her wife's thin waist. Jane held Maura tighter, bunching and wrinkling the material of the short night gown in her hands.

"Mmm. My…my soldiers home. She's home." Maura whimpered at the feeling of being utterly Jane's as the soldier stepped inside the house, closing the door by leaning her back against it. "My soldier's home…"

Her breath was lost as Jane slowly lowered them both to the floor of the foyer, kissing along Maura's neck as her hands scoured her wife's skin like water rolling down a window pane. The smaller woman's breaths caught in her chest. Whether it was from the way Jane's entire arm wrapped around her left thigh, begging and screaming for this to all be real like you're mine…like baby stay here with me or the way she was sucking reverently on her pulse point like she might break was no never mind to Maura. The blonde couldn't help but bite her lip smiling at just the sheer weight against her body that she hadn't felt in 19 months. Delicious was the only word she could think of that even remotely compared to the feeling of Jane pressing her harder and harder into the floor as her scarred hand raised her negligee higher and higher until she…

"Wait." Maura said hurriedly as panic began to rise in her chest. The feeling of Jane's hands as they caressed the inside of her thigh…something felt different. She reached down to grab Jane's wrist and she could tell from the groan and the slight resistance that she wasn't going to like what she was about to discover.

Her heart stilled as she brought the soldiers hand up to her face and the reason for all of this, her wife's sudden appearance, her being sent home all came to light in the form of a pale still-healing scare in the middle of her palm. "What-" She stopped abruptly taking the other hand, still resting on her breast, into view only to find a matching scar. A silent tear slipped from her eye. "Jane." The brunette's eyes were pleading. For what, Maura wasn't sure, but without a second thought she brought one hand at a time to her lips and the brunette's head fell to the stomach under her. They sat that way for a long moment. Jane settled between thighs that wrapped around her chest as her head rested on her wife. Her hands were still lightly held in smaller hands perched close to Maura's heart.

The feeling of Maura trying to sit up roused Jane and she lifted her head pulling her hands away and placing them sternly on the blonde's hips and applying pressure.

"Jay."

"No, Maura, please. Not now okay. I just…" Dark eyes slipped closed as she slid her hands up under her wife's clothes all the way up to her rib cage. "Later. I promise. I just need to feel you."

The smaller woman's back arched involuntarily as rough hands cupped both of her breast, just resting there. Asking for permission. Asking for acceptance. "Then touch me, sweetheart." Another tear slipped from both of Maura's eyes as she reached for Jane's left hand. "Then, really touch me." She didn't bother holding in her moan or her shudder as she guided the long fingers down her stomach and immediately inside of her. Her whimper was more of a choked sob of relief as Jane, savoring every inch, pulled her fingers out slowly and indulgently pushed them back in releasing a groan of her own.

"Maur." She whispered.

"Oh. G-God. Oh, God, I missed you. You're home."

"I love you. I'm home." Jane echoed. Her eyes rolled back in her head and she bit her lip hard at the feeling that was so…so fucking familiar. The feeling of her wife tightening around her as she picked up her pace. Just like a prodigy picking up her instrument for the first time in years, Jane crescendo with the staccato breathes coming from above her. Just as in tuned as they always where, Maura squeezed herself all around Jane's fingers and smiled as she heard the woman moan in response, her curls falling from the tight bun at the base of her neck.

"Home." Maura repeated as her back arched off of the floor. Her hand tried to steady her but slipped from the sweat glistening her entire body.

"Home."

"I love you. H-Hom-Home." The blonde's eyes slammed shut as she struggled to hang on to her lover's back. She slid her fingers through any loop in the uniform that had taken so much from her as she finally, finally took that breath.

Maura's stomach clenched as her back hit the floor. Her thighs trembled as the fingers still inside of her slowed, moving side to side, up and down, around in a circle; making sure not to miss one precious part of her. She tried to control her jerking hips as her soldier made her way up her body kissing every part of her, adding her moisture to the sweat soaked night gown tangled around her waist. Taking the woman's head in her hands, Maura gazed at her lovingly before raising her lips to press against dark brown hair. Then to her sweaty forehead. To the healed cut under her eye from the first tour. And finally to her lips.

"You're home."

Jane chuckled loudly as her wife repeated one of the only few phrases she'd said to her since she'd opened the door. "Yeah." Jane said bring the woman's hand up to her mouth and kissing the diamond that has been inhibiting her finger for the past four years. "For Good."


	2. Chapter 2

"Absolutely, not."

"Maura."

"No."

"Baby," Jane chuckled and kissed the side of Maura's head. "But I have to pee. I'll only be gone for a minute."

"Would you like to know how many you've been gone already?" She asked. Jane hummed as she smiled and nodded her head. "Five hundred and seventy thousand, two hundred and forty. Plus another one thousand four hundred and forty, had it been a leap year."

Jane grinned into her wife's hair. "That's my smart girl. Now tell me all the negative effects that holding your pee can have on your bladder." Maura sat up on her elbow, contemplating with a serious face. Huffing she sank down into the bed again wrapping her arm back around her wife's bare torso and swinging her leg across her long tanned ones under the thin sheet.

They were silent for a long while. Jane waited motionlessly, allowing Maura a few more moments of just being. She looked over and out to the window. It was still dark outside, though she could see the beginning of the sun coming up over the trees. She moved her left hand down more under the side of her wife's body to pull her a little closer.

Maura softly kissed her shoulder. Leaving her lips there, she mumbled, "You've been gone too long."

"I know."

"I've missed you." Jane looked down to see Maura's eyes flutter closed with a pained frown on her face; eyebrows terribly creased and lips pursed like she was trying not to cry.

"Hey," she paused. Maura opened her eyes and focused on the three inch scar under her wife's collar bone from her second tour. She moved her finger over the now soft, glossy skin. "I'm here now. I love you."

The blonde finally let her eyes reach her wife's. Sliding her finger up the soldier's throat all the way to her lips, she kept it there as Jane kissed it once, then, twice. "Okay," she smiled scooting only a little across the bed with her leg still tangled with Jane's.

Jane took the reprieve and slid across the cool sheets until her feet touched the wood floor; something she hadn't felt in a while. When she walked to bathroom she did not look back. She knew that if she even glanced over her shoulder, that the sight of her naked wife alone in bed would deter her from taking care of her needs. So she made quick work, not even stopping to wash her hands. When she reentered the bedroom, she stood on the precipice of the entry way and watched the doctor pitter around the room.

She smirked. "I thought you wanted to cuddle all day."

Maura whipped her head around. "I do," she assured quickly. Dropping Jane's uniform pants onto the chair in the corner, she half jogged over to the woman's fatigue jacket and shirt. "I was just…" She folded them and placed them near her pants on the chair. Tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, she shrugged her shoulders. "I didn't want them to wrinkle."

"Well," Jane mocked, walking over to the end of the bed. "Won't have much use for them anymore."

"No," Maura walked up to the soldier, turning to wrap one arm around her neck. She lifted one of her legs up and Jane responded quickly as the woman jumped up in the air trusting Jane to catch her. And she did, carrying her to the top of the bed bridal style. "I guess you won't."

The brunette laid Maura down, climbing on top of her. She stretched out over her, keeping her arms locked and her body in a push-up position. "Not," she kissed her neck. "A single," she kissed her eyebrow. "Minute," she sucked Maura's bottom lip between her teeth. "More."

The blonde reached around to her wife's sides and attempted to pull her completely on top of her, but she held her position stronger making sure their bodies didn't touch. Tilting her head to the side she kissed her back like Jane's lips were an aphrodisiac. Sliding her hands up her strong back, Maura latched onto her shoulders and again attempted to pull her down onto her.

"What are you doing?" She pulled back to see Jane looking timidly down.

"Nothing. I just…um," She held her position with one hand and pushed back her hair with the other. Maura marveled at the strain in the bicep of her wife's left arm. "I don't want to squish you."

"You didn't seem to mind that last night."

The soldier's cheeks reddened. "Yeah, well. I was a little…ya know."

"Hmm. I do know," Maura said softly, then bit her lip.

"Maura," Jane groaned trying to hide her face behind her hair that had fallen back in her face.

Shaking her head, Maura touched her cheek. "You've never hurt me before, sweetheart."

"I'm more solid now."

"Right." Wrapping her legs around Jane's waist Maura used her legs to pull Jane's pelvis all the way down until it surged against hers; fitting perfectly and making her sigh. "I've noticed that, too." She laughed.

Jane's brown eyes raised to meet Maura's as she caved and let her body sink into the one beneath hers. She stared at Maura as the blonde tried to grind against her, pushing and pulling, but stopping when she registered the look on Jane's face. She raised her eyebrows questioningly but remained silent.

"You're so beautiful. How did I get so lucky?" Maura's only response was to grin brightly seconds before pulling Jane into a kiss. Finally. Finally, the soldier began to move her body against hers and she let her head fall back to the pillow. Sighing heavily Maura opened her mouth to breath. Thirteen months she'd been without this feeling. Thirteen months. Lacking the love of her life pressed against her was like not having oxygen in her lungs. The longer Jane was away the more her brain lacked the oxygen and she could feel herself falling into unconsciousness. But this surprise….she could finally breath and she was taking full advantage of it.

"Stay with me, Maur."

"I'm…" Maura squeezed her eyes shut and lightly dragged her short nails along Jane's bare back. "Jane."

Jane glided quicker. The blonde released a pleasant quick gasp as Jane pressed her head into the nape of Maura's neck, raised herself up a little and desperately rolled her body deeper; making sure to latch onto one of Maura's thighs for leverage. "Maur."

"Here. I'm right-God. I'm right here, Jane." She could feel Jane's body shaking with the effort of getting Maura closer. One hand between Jane's shoulder blades and the other buried deep in her brown locks Maura pressed her lips to the side of Jane's head. With one breath left in her, she whispered into her ear, "I'm cumming, Jay." Jane groaned loudly as she felt the cool air hit the fresh scratches Maura had etched into her back as she whimpered, throwing her head back.

She slowed her movements, but didn't stop until Maura's grip loosened. She stayed there in the woman's embrace. She held on tighter than she ever had before and smeared the tear that had escaped across her wife's chest.

Breezing both of her hands through Jane's hair, she pulled the soldiers face up to hers and placed a kiss onto her dry lips.

*****************

 

Jane shivered. Her head felt groggy and she could feel drool coming from the corner of her mouth. She opened her eyes and tried to blink herself to consciousness. The fog began to clear and she smiled as fingers ran through the hair over and over. Cracking her eyes open a little wider, she could see sunlight filtering through the curtains, telling her she'd been asleep for a while. Maura was humming softly, though slightly off pitch. Combined with her playing with her hair, it was enough to calm Jane and almost lull Jane back to sleep.

They lay in the same position as earlier with Jane on top of her wife, arms crossed under the small of her back. Maura's legs remained around Jane's waist though now her grip had slacked a little. Jane's hold, however, intensified suddenly as there was a vibrating noise near her head. The hands in her hair stopped only a moment before resuming.

Maura reached over to grab her cellphone off of the side table. "Shhh. It's okay, sweetheart. Sleep. I'm here. It's okay." Opening her eyes, Jane was fully awake and Maura's phone buzzed twice more before she answered in a hushed tone.

"Dr. Isles." There was a deep voice on the other end not particularly familiar to Jane. Maura sighed and shifted in the bed slightly. "Kent. That is absolutely something you can handle and if you can't then it might be time for me to begin searching for a new-" he cut her off speaking hurriedly. Jane frowned. Kent. She'd never heard of him before and she thought she knew all of the doctor's minions; the important ones anyway. There was Susie, Peter, Morgan, and James. No Kent.

"Yes," Maura whispered. "Of course. Also, I will not be coming in today…" she paused, "or tomorrow." Kent said something, concern tenting his voice. "No, I'm fine. I'll see you Monday. Call me if there's anything that can't wait until then." Maura disconnected the call and the phone landed with a soft thud beside her on the bed.

Jane rumbled trying to gather enough energy to sit up, but Maura placed a hand on her shoulder and without much effort, pushed Jane down back onto her stomach. "Shhh. It's okay. I'm here."

The brunette smiled. Lying flat on her face, she grabbed whatever skin was beneath her between her teeth and bit down. "Jane!"

Her deep chuckle filled the air and she looked at her wife rubbing the skin just below her breast. She smacked the soldier's shoulder as a small smile graced her face as well.

"You were trying to suffocate me!"

"I thought you were asleep! Just grumbling like you usually do."

"Who's Kent?" Maura glanced at her phone, then back at Jane.

"How long were you awake?" The soldier shrugged her shoulders and moved her head frustratingly waiting for Maura to answer her. "He's my new assistant M.E."

"You work weekends now?" This was just like Jane to ask question after question. Not stopping until she got the full story.

"Only half days. Just to keep myself busy." She strained to read the green 8:43 am on the clock. "Your mother will be here soon. Did you tell her you were coming?"

"I didn't tell anyone I was coming," she grumbled into her hands. "Why is she coming over so early?"

"We usually have coffee before I go to work. Why didn't you tell anyone you were coming home?"

"Because I wanted it to be a Christmas surprise." Jane sat up and moved to sit across from Maura with her legs crossed. "The plan was to stay away long enough to get my hands on a Santa suit and come on Christmas morning, but that dick Frost said he had one and then we get her and he can't find the damn-"

"How long were you away?" Maura asked softly as she peered down at her hands, picking at the sheet covering her legs.

"Is this a test? Okay…um seven-hundred and thirteen…wait five-thousand and…"

"They're healed, Jane." She looked up into her face just in time to see a flash of recognition pass before the soldier looked off. "I can tell. They've healed."

Maura waited for Jane to say something. Anything. She scooted closer to her and with her own shaky hands reached over to place them onto her wife's. The scars were red in the middle. No doubt from the weather outside. It had snowed overnight, just after Jane had arrived. When Maura moved to touch the scars in the middle of her palms, Jane quickly snatched them back and began clenching them; balling them up and then shaking them out.

"I was honorably discharged after a nine month tour. Rehab was supposed to take four months, but I finished in three."

"What did you do for an entire month, Jane?" Maura was trying to keep the anger out of her voice. This entire time, the letters and the phone calls had suggested that Jane was still in Afghanistan this whole time. Now Maura understood why the letters stopped and Jane began calling her instead. "You lied."

"I had to." Jane looked up, clear defiance blocking the guilt in her features. "I had to. I stayed with Frost for a little while…the trial only took a few weeks-"

"Trial?" Maura said loudly, too emotional to keep it hidden any longer.

"Yeah," Jane rubbed her hands over her face tiredly.

"Jane," Maura took the soldier's hands in her own again careful not to touch the scars directly this time. "Darling. Please." The doctor's voice shook and her bottom lip trembled. "Oh, God. What…What hap-"

The doorbell rang. They both froze and lamented. Maura, because she could feel her heart racing, saddened by what her wife had said so far; and Jane, grateful for the reprieve but nervous at the prospect of another person asking about her hands. "Ma's downstairs." She got up from the bed slipping on a pair of sweatpants that she kept in in the trunk near the end of the bed. She reached for her green fatigue shirt and hesitated for a moment with her hand hovering over it. She slipped it over her head and walked slowly out of the door.

Maura sat in the bed cold from just the sheet covering her. At some point the comforter had been banished to the floor. She could hear Jane's heavy footsteps on the stairs, but then there was silence. The door creaked open and there was more silence, until, "Oh my God, Jane! My baby! What are you doing here?"

Maura grabbed her robe and followed the loud screeching of Angela all the way down to the foyer. "Ma…take it easy okay….would you-"Despite herself…and what had just happened, she couldn't help but smile.


	3. Chapter 3

Squaring off is where they've found themselves. Jane with her eyebrows furrowed and her hands behind her back; Maura with her feet shoulder-width apart and hands resting on her hips.

"Excuse me, ma'am." Maura's jaw clenched. She wouldn't give in; she just wouldn't. "Ma'am? I'm trying to get passed you."

If she wasn't careful, Jane would break her stone cold demeanor with a smirk that was inching its way to her top lip. Maura could feel the breath of the irritated woman on the back of her neck. Her attitude wasn't appreciated but fully understood. She was standing in the middle of the aisle.

The woman behind her gave a great sigh before grabbing her basket. Maura quickly dropped Jane's gaze and side stepped the woman barreling in her direction with her shopping cart. Jane grinned triumphantly as Maura rolled her eyes and turned to push their cart towards the cereal on the next shelf over. Bringing her hands from behind her back, the soldier tossed the Oreos package into the cart as it went by her.

"I won," Jane said in a sing-song tone.

"Because that woman was about to run me over with her shopping cart!"

"Nah," Jane said reaching into the cart to pluck a grape from the bag that they had yet to pay for. "She's not that stupid. I mean look at me." Maura looked up to her wife's smirk as she flexed her left bicep. She stared for a short while before she stepped closer to Jane, biting her lip and looking her over. Jane was speechless.

"Sweetheart," Maura said innocently, sliding her finger along the soldier's loose fitting shirt all the way down to her belt buckle. She slipped one finger inside the waistband of Jane's jeans, and tugged a little. "People won't fear you for much longer if you keep eating those cookies." She gave one more tug before turning on her literal heels and walking away.

She'd gone all the way to the end of the row and turned to the next aisle before Jane caught up with her, jogging until they were next to each other. "You didn't think about my waistline when I was on any of the tours. You sent them to me all the time…and chocolate too!" She said as an afterthought.

"That's because you were burning over 4,000 calories a day, Jane." She glanced over her list once more to make sure she didn't forget anything. It seemed Jane's metabolism hadn't even thought about wavering since she'd been home. What was once a fully stocked fridge two days ago, was now almost empty with the exception of condiments. Jane continued to mumble about the status of her physical fitness; then, she stopped speaking abruptly.

Maura's ears burned. She'd heard it, too. Of course she'd noticed. The blonde whirled around to the same gluttonous woman who had unhappily pushed her way past her one aisle over. A jumbo can of Crisco lay swaying on the floor dented from its fall from the top shelf. What she wanted to do was go over to the woman and ring her neck. Tell her all the ways that that can on the floor would be the death of her. Instead her eyes searched and quickly found her wife, huddled over on the opposite side of the walkway with her eyes squeezed shut and her hands over her ears. Her lips moving over words that she couldn't make out.

"Jane," she held her hands out in front of her; palms up and fingers spread so that the soldier could see. Surprising the doctor, Jane immediately snapped her eyes open. Usually, these flash backs lasted upwards of ten minutes and once even a half an hour. But this time, Jane's attention was immediately captured by Maura's voice.

"Maura." Jane reached her hands forward to place them on top of her wife's. That was the next step: establish a physical connection. But as her own battered hands swam into her view stretching out to touch the small pristine ones below hers, she pulled them back. They floated momentarily down by her sides before her fingers found her hair, sloppily pulling it into a ponytail, then dropping her locks back down around her shoulders. "I'm fine," she said trying to control her breathing.

"Are you-"

"Is this all we're getting? Can we leave now?" She grabbed the cart tightly between her sheet white hands and pushed it toward the front counter, not waiting for Maura to answer and not waiting for her to follow either.

The doctor cautiously watched her wife quickly hefting item after item onto the check-out counter. She turned her gaze back to the woman who had neglected to pick up the can she'd so noisily dropped to the floor. By the time Jane had to leave for her previous tour, the loud sounds didn't send her spiraling anymore. At least not one's that were inside of a building with four walls.

She followed Jane out of the store, silently allowing her to take the lead. When she opened the trunk, Jane immediately grabbed the small load and put it in the car. She closed it with a hard thump then turned to her wife with one hand outstretched.

"I'm driving," she breathed out, eyes focused on the purse around Maura's shoulder.

The doctor looked up in understanding. This was about what Jane needed in this moment: control. So she reached into her purse pulling out the keys and softly placing them in her hands. "Of course."

They were almost to Beacon Hill when Maura felt it was okay to speak about what had just happened. "Jane-"

"I'm sorry." The sudden outburst was jarring to say the least. It was harsh but not angry and not geared toward Maura. It just fell from her mouth like it'd been begging, ready to burst out.

"You shouldn't be sorry. You didn't do anything wrong, sweetheart," Maura said softly.

"I know. I'm just embarrassed," she confessed, tightening her grip on the steering wheel.

"We've talked about not being ashamed of losing control."

Jane chuckled and glanced at her wife. "Yes, doctor. We have." The jocular tone released a jolt of relief in Maura's body. "But, when I shipped out again it was kinda like hitting the reset button. You know?" Maura nodded. "Hey," Jane whispered. She moved her right hand down to grab onto Maura's in her lap, only hesitating for a moment. She rubbed her thumb back and forth over her wife's knuckles. "I'm sorry about the hand thing earlier. I know it's a part of the process but I just… I just couldn't let you touch them. I'm gonna talk about it. Soon, okay?" The blonde gave her a tight-lipped smile but didn't say anything.

The rough sound of the downtown Boston road transcended into a calming noise as they turned into the neighborhood. It distracted them both as they were stuck in their own thoughts. The wheels of the car rolled into the drive way just as the shrill tone of Maura's phone penetrated the air.

Jane was pulling the groceries out the trunk of the Prius silently wondering why Maura never drove the Lexus in the garage anymore. She wasn't listening to anything the woman was discussing on the phone, instead strategizing how to avoid making a second trip from the car to the house.

She strutted up to Maura with the bag of kale tucked proudly under her chin. The doctor, succeeding in unlocking the front door, and laughed lightly at her wife's child-like grin as she scooted slowly along the path, trying hard not to drop anything.

The unnecessarily panicked voice on the other end of her phone call once again captured her attention as she and Jane walked into their home. "I understand that, but Kent I-wait….you did what?"

Jane looked at Maura from across the kitchen counter with her eyebrows raised. Maura responded with an eye roll, grabbing the groceries and putting them in their designated places. "And I've shown you the procedure for that. Have I not?" The brunette smirked. Her wife's boss voice was one to be feared. Her tone was clear, clipped, and pointed adding cold when she was angry, but man was it powerful. All she knew is that she wouldn't want to be on the other end of that conversation right now.

After hearing her wife sigh heavily, she turned to see her with one hand on her forehead. They locked eyes and Jane asked a silent, everything okay? To which Maura shook her head. "Kent…Kent! Yes, I will be down to the lab soon. I promise, I'm on my way. Just, please, don't touch anything else until I get there. We can't risk losing any more evidence." She ended the call without a goodbye.

Biting her lip, Jane walked over to her wife who had taken a seat on one of the stools of the kitchen island. She eased her hands onto the blonde's shoulders and much to Maura's pleasure, began to massage them; kneading slowly and pressing up with her thumbs. "Everything alright?"

"He used the wrong solution and destroyed one of the hair samples from one of our suspect. Now, the fear that he will repeat the action has caused him to forget which solution is actually the correct one. So, I have to go down to the lab on my day off and sort this out."

"Isn't there a book he can read?" Jane asked grumpily causing Maura to laugh. She turned around in her chair to face Jane and pulled her by her hips to stand between her knees.

"Sure there is, but the problem isn't his knowledge. He knows which one to use, but he gets nervous without me there."

Jane was quiet for a beat as she stared down at her wife. Crossing her arms she asked, "Do I need to be worried about this Kent guy?"

Maura's eyebrows furrowed and laughed. But when Jane didn't respond by laughing also she realized, she wasn't kidding. "What are you talking about?" The soldier only titled her head and stared pointedly. "Are you serious? How could you even think that, Jane?"

"I don't know, Maura. Maybe because I've been home for barely two days and you've talked to this guy ten times," she said simply without any heat. Maura was in disbelief as told by her gapping mouth. How was she supposed to respond to that? She simply got up, Jane stepping back, and began walking away.

"I can't believe you would say something like that." Jane's grip caught her wrist before she even reached the kitchen door.

"Baby, wait…" Laughing. Jane was laughing. She whipped around to see the brilliant, cocky smile on her wife's face. "I'm joking."

"Jane."

"I'm sorry-…come here. Look," she pulled Maura closer to her, pressing her up against the counter. "It was a joke, a bad joke." She pushed a few strands of blonde hair back to see Maura's annoyed, albeit amused, eyes looking up at her.

"I don't find infidelity funny, Jane."

"I know," Jane said kissing her way from the doctor's hair line, to her cheek.

"I would never do that….I have zero desire to do that…."

"Yes, I realize this."

"I…" Maura's breath shallowed out as Jane's sweet, apologetic kisses began to linger along her neck line.

"You…?" the blonde could hear the humor in Jane's voice as she breathing into her ear, bring her lips to wrap around it and tug lightly.

"...love you." Jane's eyes opened at the affirmation.

Yes, Jane had said she was joking about Kent. And part of her was. But the other part was always worried. She'd heard stories of fellow soldiers coming home to find out that their spouses had cheated on them to find comfort in their absence. Some instances were just sex. Seeking only intimacy and trying to fulfill a physical need. The worst of them, however, had been when their spouse had fallen in love with someone else. And there's no coming back from that.

She trusted Maura and she knew that deep down this was all just a projection of her own insecurities, but Jane couldn't stop her mind from wondering. What if I'm not good enough? What if she loses interest in me? What if I can't give her everything she needs? What if she thinks I don't love her enough? What if she finds someone she thinks is better? How can I ask her to love me? Am I too broken for her? I'm too-

"Jane," Maura moaned into Jane's mouth.

Not knowing when they had started kissing, Jane grunted and shook her head, trying to physically push the thoughts away. She grabbed on to Maura's left leg and pulled it around her waist. What is she's only still with me out of pity? Jane pushed her body deeper into Maura's squishing her against the cold tile of the counter. She heard the woman gasp as her hands continued to wonder down her body. What if I can't give her what she needs? What if I can't even figure out what she needs? 

"Jane," Maura said again, only this time her voice was painted with concern. Undeterred…stuck in her own head, Jane laid hot kisses down the side of Maura's jaw, squeezing the thigh in her hand and binding her knees a little to press her nose to Maura's neck. "Jay?" She could hear it now. The way Maura would use her nickname. It always meant that she knew. She knew something was going on but didn't want to broach the sensitivity of the issue it directly.

Slowing her assault to feather light kisses, she raised her head to look at her wife. They waited, content on communicating with their eyes. Like stalling in a conversation, Jane refused to look Maura directly in the eye, but the blonde searched, and she searched until she found her answer. Titling her head in understanding she lifted slightly on her toes to kiss her wife's head, and then pressed their heads together.

Afraid that her insecurities would burst out of her chest if she didn't shield them, Jane wrapped her arms around Maura, bringing her into an embrace pressing the woman closer to her chest.

"It was a Ka-Bar knife. Military issue," Jane said into the air. From the current relaxed state of the woman in her arms, she could tell that Maura hadn't understood the meaning of her words. She was trying to say it, without saying it. Saying it aloud was like pulling teeth or running through quicksand. "Two of them. One was his and one was mine….I don't know how he…I wasn't paying attention. I wasn't expecting it. Stupid. I should never have put my gun down. I never should've-"

"Oh," Maura could barely breathe as realization wafted over her like a thick, toxic cloud of agent orange. She burred her head in the crook of Jane's neck and tried to hold her tears at bay as one image after the other popped into her mind. Two knives. All of the arteries and veins in the hand. Blood. Jane's blood. "Nonono."

"I…" Maura deserved the truth, but Jane didn't want to scare Maura, which is exactly what was happening. She didn't want to subject her wife to stories of what had happened to and around her while she was in war. She just didn't. So she reigned it in. "But I'm okay. And I love you."

Glossy hazel eyes looked up into brown. "I will never," she placed her hands one either side of Jane's head, "ever, stop loving you. No matter what. I won't," she confirmed with as much conviction as she could muster with her tear-stained cheeks.

Jane released a shuddered breath and involuntarily, her eyes fluttered shut. How was it that Maura understood her so wholly? To anyone else, the last ten minutes would have been a confusing session of admissions. Not to Maura. She heard everything loud and clear, even the unspoken. She kissed the inside of Maura's right palm cradling her cheek.

"Thank you." Maura smiled. The only thing she could do. They hugged again and Jane reveled in it. Right up until Maura's phone rang again.

"Ugh," Jane huffed, reaching behind Maura to grab her phone without releasing her from their embrace. "Hello, Kevin," she said purposefully.

The man on the other end didn't say anything for a second, too surprised at the deep, raspy voice that was definitely not his boss. "Um…hi."

"Don't worry. Dr. Isles is walking out of the door right now to help you with your crisis." Thinking that was her cue, Maura tried to pull out of the woman's arms to get ready to head to the lab but was only pulled tighter by the soldier.

"Oh, thank god." The genuine relief was palpable in his voice and Jane would have laughed if she didn't feel so bad for the guy.

"And word of advice," she paused, pulling back to look at her wife. "Dr. Isles is the best medical examiner in the country. And if she hired you, then she must have thought that your skills would benefit the Common Wealth of Massachusetts. And she doesn't make mistakes, which means that you are talented and smart. Okay?"

The man on the other end cleared his voice and taking a deep breath agreed with Jane. Maura's heart eyes were in full force. She loved this woman. She really did. "Thank you, Ms…."

"Rizzoli-Isles…or just Rizzoli. Maura's wife."

"Wife?" The man said confusedly. This gave Jane pause. She looked at Maura who was still looking at her unaware of the situation.

Considering everything, Jane decided to let this go for now. "Yeah. Now stop shitting yourself, Kevin, and get back to work." She ended the call.

"You know his name isn't Kevin." Jane smirked and shrugged her shoulder playfully.

"Had to put him in his place."

"You were doing so well and then, just…" Maura shook her head as Jane chuckled releasing her and giving her a little room to gather her phone, keys and purse. "I shouldn't be gone long." Jane nodded her head. "If I am though, would you want to come down?"

The brunette's head snapped up. "To the lab? I thought you didn't like me in there because I touch everything."

Maura laughed. "It could be fun. While I'm doing to autopsy I could teach you about-"

"Uh-uh. Nope. I've seen enough dead bodies, thank you. But no thank you."

"Fine, my love." She walked over to kiss her wife on the lips and whispered that she loved her before walking to the door. She was just about to open it when it came flying open.

"You gotta be shitting me!"

"I told you, bro!"

Both Rizzoli brothers stood in the door way. One with a crooked grin and the other colored with irritation and joyful disbelief. "Brothers!" She smiled over to them.

"Oh, so you tell Tommy you're home but not me?"

"Duh, cause I knew he would tell you. Kid can't hold water."

"But still," he said as they both walked into the house; a duffle bag in Frankie's hand and a plastic bag in Tommy's.

"What's with the bags fellas?" Jane inquired.

"PlayStation. Beer. Well…rootbeer," Frankie said lifting his bag then pointing at Tommy's. "But I don't know if you deserve either," he said sulking like he was ten again and Jane refused to let him play football with her and the guys after school.

"I called Tommy three hours ago and look, you're here." She walked over to Maura who was standing near the door amused at the conversation between the siblings. She wrapped one hand around her waist and mumbled to her brothers, "besides…I was a little busy…so…"

"Gross, Janie!"

"Ah, come on Jane!"

Shouted the brothers.

"Yes. Gross, Janie." Maura joked, leaning up to kiss her solider. "I'll see you later. Have fun!" she threw over her shoulder.

They all stood silently. Jane reached down for the duffle bag but grabbed nothing but air when Frankie jerked it back. She stood straight, rolling her eyes. "What kinda games do you have?"

"Assassins Creed, NBA 2K16, Hitman, Need For Speed, the old one not that stupid new shit, XCOM 2….should I go on?"

The tall brunette held her challenging stance for as long as she could but after Hitman she broke. "Fine. I'm sorry." She stuck out her hand slouching her shoulders like a kid forced by their parent to apologize to someone.

A grin cracked on Frankie's face as he slapped her hand away, running toward Jane and Maura's hoisted TV, unzipping the bag as he went. "Yeah, you're gonna be when I kick your ass with LeBron's jump shot."

Jane laughed, running over to yank cord after cord out of the bag and Tommy's smile overtook his whole face as he pulled out the bottles. He was just about to put a few out on the tables when he remembered the last time he'd done that while in the presence of his sister-in-law. Nodding his head, this time he remembered to use the costars.


	4. Chapter 4

Focus. Rizzoli, focus.

Shots are ringing out all around her. She finds a red shirt and fires. . 

One. Two. She swung hard and the punches landed directly in the sweet spot of the bag. Jane jumped around in a circle, stretching her limbs and shaking out the slight stinging in her wrist. Then, she straightened up again. Focus. Rizzoli, focus. She lifted her fist again and swung hard and fast in quick succession. One. Two. Th-

.five. Another red shirt drops. She stares at him as he writhes in pain, trying to get air into his lungs. His foot scrapes over and over in the dirt until finally he stops moving all together. She can hear Frost near her ear. "Focus. Rizzoli, fo- look out behind you!" she turns. Red shirt. Fires. one.

Two. Three. She hit the bag harder than she had meant to because,

Even though she shot him three times he's still running toward her. She drops her weapon. Recalling all of her hand to hand training and she punches with all of her might, but it's too late. He's too close. With one angry fist…he swings.

And the bag swung back and clocked her right in the face. Shocked out of her flashback that she didn't even realize she was in, she staggered a few steps backwards. But as soon as her back hit the wall like her back hits the dirty, bloody, sand bellow her, her head bouncing off of the wooden wall of the basement, the sequences came back to her and again she was, trapped. The room was spinning and so she put her hand over her ears and whispered over and over for it to end. To stop. To be over. She hadn't realize she was screaming out loud until she stopped screaming.

And that's when she heard it. Her name…Jane, not Rizzoli, not Sergeant. Just, Jane, repeatedly. The soldier opened her eyes, the sounds of civilian screams lessening, to see her wife standing almost a full twenty feet away from her with her hands outstretched.

"Jane. Can I?"

She only realized that her hands were still over her ears as her brain struggled to read the woman's lips. Trying to pull herself out of these flashbacks was like swimming higher and higher, trying to break the surface of the water but never being able to find the top of the inky, midnight sky. But you keep trying, because you know that eventually you will reach it, and when you do you are reminded of the quicksand that immediately falls on your head…suffocating you all over again.

"Jane? Can I?" she asked again. It was muffled but there, and Jane thought to herself that maybe there is no quicksand this time.

Oh, but there is. And it took seven more times before Jane comprehended what her wife was saying. The brunette nodded and swallowed, before trying to speak, with nothing coming out but a grunt.

Maura understood. She always understood exactly what her war veteran was saying. The blonde moved closer at once. First she bent down to Jane's level as not to stand over her and then she slowly crawled closer. "Baby," she cooed.

Jane looked up and paused for a moment. Taking in the woman before her. The way her sleep mused hair still glowed and the way her feet were dark, slightly bruised from running down the basement turned rec room stairs to get to her. The way her red night gown encircles her body clinging over her chest. Her…red…night…g-

" .no." Jane shook her head over and over causing her dark ringlets to bounce amongst her shoulders. She folded in on herself as her wife took a chance moving closer to wrap her arms around her.

"Okay," said Maura, closing her eyes and kissing the top of the soldiers head. "We'll go. Okay? Do you want to go, Jane?" The woman nodded her head once immediately. "We'll go. Come on sweet girl." Days later Jane barely remembers her smaller wife hefting her to her feet, stuffing her long limbs in track pants and a hoodie and helping her into their car.

***************

 

They sat in front of the enormous glass. Jane stared up at the water reflecting beautifully off of the different surfaces. Blue. Green. Red. Yellow. Purple. She sat staring at it and Maura sat staring at Jane. The latter was still with her hands stuffed into the pockets of her sweatshirt and her neck bent all the way back, taking it all in. She smiled suddenly at the man who walked calmly toward them.

"Rondo!" she said excitedly, though the harshness of her voice sounded like she hadn't slept in weeks.

"Hey, Ri-" Familiarity. Stopping short, he spared a startled glance at Mura before correcting himself. "Hey, Vanilla!" Rondo handed her a strong cup of black coffee that he hastily made. She thanked him and sipped it as if it couldn't possibly burn her tongue. She swallowed and sighed deeply as her face scrunched up from the bitter taste.

"I missed you," she said out into the open, but they all know who she was speaking to.

His mouth opened slightly trying to think of what to say. Finally, he smiled and adjusted his security uniform blazer. "Missed you, too."

"Thank you," Maura said lowly. "I know the aquarium is closed right now but-"

"We're always closed when you guys come to see ole Rondo." He shrugged knowingly with all of his pearly whites on display. "No worries. I don't mind the company."

"Ronald…" she looked into his eyes, but he knew what she was going to say. "If anyone knew you were letting us in here after hours you could be fired."

He looked back at Jane. Her eyes stretched wide gazing at the sea life all around her. "Look at her." And Maura turned around. She watched her wife, who was out of her flashback but still not quite lucid. "Here." Maura looked to the coffee stretched out from his dark rough hand. His smile wrinkled around his eyes and his scruffy beard shifted along his chin. She reached up and took the coffee, then watched him walk away to continue making sure the building was secure, knowing that he would do anything for Jane. For them.

Holding the coffee in one hand, Maura's thumb started to swipe over her wife's knuckles and the brunette looked over, her expression of contentment giving way to that of surprise.

"Maura?"

The blond smiled back, just as she had the first two times Jane had rediscovered she was sitting next to her. "Yes. It's me," she said trying to keep the weariness out of her voice, but Jane, now letting the last bit of confusion flutter away, heard it and her smile slowly slipped away as she turned back toward the beautiful blue fish in front of her.

"I'm sorry," she whispered into her coffee. Maura felt the tip of her nose tingle with unshed tears. She placed her coffee beside her on the floor and turned, putting her finger under the brunette's strong chin and leaning forward to place their lips together.

Neither one of them moved…just lingered close together for a while. Finally, Maura let her head fall to the crook of Jane's neck; her forehead sliding down the soldier's long, warm neck. "I love you." Jane sighed as those words ghosted warmly from her wife's lips, up her neck and into her ear. "I love you so much, Jane."

"Christ," Jane swore as she turned to wrap her arm around her wife to pull her closer. "I'm sorry, Maura." She kissed the top of the blonde's head. "It'll be okay." At that, Maura exhaled deeply, releasing the stress of the last four hours into Jane's shoulder. She quickly wrapped both of her arms around the soldier's waist and pressed her body further into hers. "It'll get better. I promise. I…I'll get better. I promise, Maura."

"I…Jane." She held tighter.

"I know, baby. I know."

"Jane." She squeezed with all her might.

By the time they had pulled up to their home, the sun was bright in the sky. Maura put the car in park, but neither one of them moved. Jane smiled; the sight of her mother's car in the driveway making her chuckle. It was time for morning coffee, indeed. Yet, when she looked over to her wife, the woman sat rigid with her hands in her lap and her eyes straight ahead.

"Maura…I know-"

"No. I know. I know that you'll talk about it when you talk about, but I can't help it. I can't help it, because I love you. I care about what happens to you and it-" she swiftly turned to Jane with a look of anguish on her face. "It kills me to know that you're hurting and know that I can't do anything about it. That you won't let me do anything about it. And that's so…so selfish Jane! That's-" Maura gasped as her hand flew up to cover her mouth, begging her brain to stop letting these horrible things slip out of her mouth.

Jane, on her part, didn't know how to respond, so she didn't. Her wife was frustrated. And as badly as she wanted to dissipate it….it was hard for her. So very hard. She refocused on Maura who was swiping at a solitary tear that had slipped past her cheek and down her throat.

Maura sighed as a chill sprang up her spine and up to her shoulder as Jane slowly placed her hand on her thigh. Her jaw was set and her eyes solely on the scar in the middle of her palm. "You're not wrong. I just think-," Jane groaned. "…really?" Maura looked up to her, then ahead to see what had the woman complaining.

None other than Angela Rizzoli. She left the door wide open and walked swiftly down the path toward the car. "Oh," the blonde said face breaking into a unreadable expression as the woman drew closer waving her hands around dramatically.

"When did you give her a key?" Jane grumbled out the side of her mouth so her mother couldn't read her lips.

"Well," Maura laughed lightly and tipped her head back to the seat's headrest. "I wasn't doing so well with you last tour, so…"

"Hm," Jane said emphatically, distracted by her mother. Just as the older woman got to the car door, Jane quickly reached down to the handle, locking it. "Nope!"

"Jay-" the blonde's laughter grew as her wife simply shook her head at her mother who was steadily trying to pull the locked door open.

"No, Maur. We're having a serious conversation." Maura bit her lip at her wife's jocular tone. So, thankful for the moment of levity.

"Mama," Jane wined down the window only slightly. "You will have your daughter-in-law for coffee but can I please have one moment alone with my wife."

The patriarch of the family stared hard at her daughter for another moment before looking over to her passenger. Maura tilted her head, trying to convey a message, which was obviously received.

"Alright, Jane. But hurry. I've been worried out of my mind."

"Yeah, yeah," she mumbled, winding up the window as her mother took her leave, still ranting about neither of them answering their phones. "Listen," she said sobering. "Can you…um," she reached over to unbuckle Maura's seat belt who in turn laughed at the randomly considerate action. "Can you take off work tomorrow morning?"

Interest peaked, the blonde reached over to join one of her hands with Jane's. "We're actually in the middle of a very complicated case and-" she drew up short as her wife's eyes met hers. It was something about the way her eyes strained and her eyebrows furrowed together that made her reconsider her words. Jane was desperately trying to stay silent, but speak at the same time. "But I can tell them to only call if they need me badly."

Jane let out a quick stream of air looking down. "I uh…" She smiled and scratched her head making Maura smile and redouble her grip. She looked up with that damn grin and that charming expression that insured Maura falling in love with her every moment of every day. "I made an appointment with Dr. Sullivan…tomorrow morning."

Pleasantly surprised was Maura as she sat up in her seat. "You did?"

"Yeah. She said I could start seeing her twice a week again."

"Jane, that's great," she assured her.

"I know. I was wondering if you would come with me to the first one. You know, not inside, but…with me you know," she said shyly.

"Of course. I'll take you."

"Thank you," Jane leaned over reaching to grab the back of her wife's neck to pull her in for a hug, one that Maura fully embraced. They stayed that way until the muffled sound of a scratchy think accented voice yelled at them from the house.


	5. Chapter 5

Maura tapped the metal of her wedding ring against the lip of the cup in her hand. The kitchen was quiet this time of morning. The only thing that could be heard was the soft, slight humming of the refrigerator and the baby birds chirping in the tree right outside the window. Honestly, she liked it that way. When they'd first started meeting for morning coffee, Maura really struggled with it.

Sometimes, Angela would just show up, and they wouldn't speak at all; just sat with their hands wrapped around coffee mugs and listened to the silence until it was time for Maura to go to work. It wasn't until their third meeting that Maura started to open up more, and it'd been a long time since they've sat in this much of a deafening silence.

"Where is she?"

"Upstairs in bed. She didn't really sleep last night," Maura said sipping her coffee and placing the cup back down on the counter with a soft clank.

Angela nodded her head and let her gaze fall to the counter. "Is everything…okay?"

The doctor's lips curled in a sad smile as she shook her head. "She hasn't said a lot since we left the therapist yesterday morning…I couldn't get her to eat much of her dinner last night and…" she paused rubbing frustratingly at her forehead. "I don't know. I just…I don't know."

"Well maybe this is a good thing. You know, maybe she's working it all out in her head," she said looking up to her daughter-in-law hopefully.

"Or maybe she's struggling, and I don't know how to help her because she won't talk to me about it. About anything. And I'm her wife so aren't I supposed to just _know_ how to-"

"No, no. Sweetheart," Angela reached across the counter pulling Maura's hands away from her mug and squeezing them. "You know Jane. We all do. She's not going to talk about something she doesn't want to talk about until she's ready. This has nothing to do with you, and it's not your fault."

"So, you've seen them. The scars," Maura asked looking up into the eyes that were so familiar now.

"Of course," Angela said sitting back in her chair and taking a sip of her coffee. "But like I said. She's stubborn," she said, a teasing smile playing on her thin lips.

Maura took a moment to consider how far Angela had come. Before, she would have been hounding Jane with questions about what, when, where and how it happened. But over the years that her daughter had been in the service…and returned safely each time, her confidence had grown. And she'd learned to wait on her. Just as everyone else had. The thing about it was that Jane _never_ kept anything from Maura.

With every end to each tour, she had regaled to Maura the things that had happened and how she'd handled them. Never did she go this long without sharing something this big with her wife, and Maura was having a hard time understanding the concept of _wait_ when it came to Jane's secretes.

"I've been feeling so ashamed lately, because I want her to tell me what happened. And every time she doesn't I can't help feeling that she's being selfish and I feel terrible for that-"

"Baby," Angela interrupted. "It's okay to feel however you're feeling. Now, I'm no therapist, but…" she chuckled. "I think that's probably natural."

When Maura didn't say anything, just stared down at the dark brown of her lukewarm coffee, Angela got up moving to the sink to place her empty mug there. She walked up slowly behind Maura placing her hand on her back. In response, the doctor let her head fall and her shoulders hunch a little.

"I'm sorry," Maura said scoffing at herself as she swiped away a tear rolling down her cheek.

"Oh, honey," Angela whispered, stepping closer. "It's going to get better. This is _Jane_ we're talking about. She'll get better…she always does."

Maura turned to her mother-in-law and wrapped her in a hug. "Thank you," she sighed.

"Just hang in there." They stood in each other's embrace, until Angela announced that she had to leave and once again Maura was enveloped by the silence of the kitchen. She was rinsing the dishes in the sink when she heard a heavy thud from upstairs. Quickly, drying her hands, she walked up the stairs and toward her bedroom to check on Jane. The door was still closed, so she took a deep breath before entering.

The room was not how she'd left it an hour ago. Shirts were hanging out of one of the drawers of the dresser. The comforter was on the floor. The overhead light and the two bedside lamps were on. Two of Jane's running shorts lay near the foot of the bed. And Jane was dressed, kneeling on her hands and knees looking for something under the bed.

"What-"

"I can't find my shoes," Jane said, her voice rough and low from disuse. And frustration.

Maura blinked twice at the sight and walked toward the closet tripping over her wife's water bottle. "Here, Jane," she said coming to stand behind her with her favorite pair of shoes in hand. Jane reached up to grab them and shook her head quickly dropping the shoes to the floor.

"No. My tennis shoes, Maura," she grunted, standing to look behind the dresser.

The doctor's cheeks flushed in sudden unexplainable embarrassment, and she held her arms around herself to keep from reaching out to the panicked woman. She simply bit her lip to hold in her words as she turned and walked into the bathroom. "Here, Jane," she said again quieter.

Jane's head snapped up at Maura's shy tone. She looked from the shoes in her hand to the woman avoiding her gaze several times before going over and slowly taking them from her grasp. "Sorry…I didn't know they were in there."

"You left them last night after you got back from your run."

"You were in bed when I got home. You didn't say anything so I thought you were asleep."

Maura smiled lightly looking up at her wife and shrugged her shoulder. "I wasn't."

They both paused for a second, simply looking at each other and not knowing what to say. "I would've said goodnight or something. I just thought…" Jane sighed walking over to sit on the bed to lace her shoes up.

"Where are you going?" Maura asked leaning her back against the wall and watching her wife's fingers work dexterously. Despite the current state of unease in the room, Maura's ear grew warm and she could feel her stomach become heavy just watching her wife's fingers move so quickly.

"For a run."

"Jane, it's freezing."

Jane shrugged, standing and walking a little closer. "I'll wear a jacket." Maura had no response, because nothing she said would deter the finality in Jane's voice. As Maura rubbed her foot across the floor patiently, Jane felt the guilt settle in her chest. "Do you, maybe, want to run with me?"

Maura saw the peace offering in her words clearly and smiled up at her wife with her chin still pointing down. She reached one hand up to place it on Jane's chest. "I'd love to," she whispered, "but I have to get ready for work, and…" she looked around to the disarray of their bed room.

"Oh," Jane said following her gaze and blushing. "Sorry. I'll…I'll clean this up when I get home."

"Okay," Maura said, accepting the white flag. Jane smiled with her lips tight and her face otherwise unreadable. She was almost to the bedroom door, when she stopped and looked over her shoulder at her wife. Maura straightened up and away from the wall anticipating what Jane so desperately and so clearly wanted to say next. But her jaw tightened and she nodded. So, the doctor waited. Jane was the one who would always apologize first.

_"_ _I'm sorry, sweetheart."_

_"_ _Why do you do that, Jane? You're not always the one who's wrong, you know."_

_"…_ _Yeah…But I hate seeing you so sad."_

"I'll see you tonight," was only a whisper before she ducked her head and went out the door.

* * *

 _I should have worn two jackets,_ Jane thought as she huddled in the wind. The bitter wind whipped around her blowing that one annoying curl into the middle of her forehead repeatedly. It hung there mockingly as if to say, _See! She was right. It's too cold for this._ But she had been so eager to escape the cloud of harsh awkwardness that she'd created at the house, that she'd forgotten the band to hold her hair back, too. She blew warm air into her fist, before raising her left hand to knock harder on the apartment door. Finally, the door swung open and a shocked, shirtless man stood before her.

"Jesus. You always come to the door naked when someone knocks?"

"S'my house. I do as I please," he responded shrugging.

"What, you got a girl in there or something?"

The man scoffed, "Noneya."

Jane rolled her eyes and looked down the street for a second before snapping back. "You gonna let me in? I'm freezing my balls off out here."

"No, no, no. _I_ have balls. You _wished_ you had balls-"

"Yeah, yeah," she mumbled pushing him aside and walking into his house. He chuckled loudly opening the door wider to accommodate the bolstering woman, before closing it behind her. She walked around the kitchenette to sit on the couch.

"Coffee?" he called to her.

"Only if it has bourbon in it," she said tapping her left heal with her right toe and kicking her shoes off. Sighing loudly, he fell into the chair across from her throwing a water bottle in her lap. She twisted the cap and took a large gulp before looking up to him. They sat staring at each other and once Jane had distractedly completed her task of peeling off the paper label on the bottle, she cleared her throat.

"I fucked up, Frost."

"What now," he wondered, sitting back in the chair.

"Maura."

"Mmm…" he reached for the remote on the table and turned the tv off. "Forgot to use the coasters again?"

"Frost," she looked up at him and he could see the severity instantly on her face. He'd noted that this would be a serious talking to it before when she'd showed up in the cold with jogging clothes on nearly seven miles from her house.

"What's up, Rizzoli?"

Jane took her time screwing and unscrewing the top on her water bottle and rubbing her thumb against the rough ridges. "I was mean to her this morning."

Frost lifted his eyebrow. "Mean?"

"Yeah, _really_ mean. I snapped at her over some fucking shoes."

"Wow."

"Yeah, and I kind of yelled at her a little yesterday in the car, because she kept asking me questions about therapy and I just-"

"Wait," Frost said lifting his hand. "You're back in therapy?" Jane nodded and ran her hand through her hair. "How'd it go?"

"I mean it was fine, but…you know I felt obligated to tell her what happened, and now I feel guilty about not being able to tell Maura. Shit, even _you_ know what happened."

"Yeah, but," he shifted his gaze down to her hands. "I was there, Jane."

"I just don't know what to tell her."

"The truth."

Jane chuckled humorously as she squeezed the cold plastic between her hands. "Right. Okay. _Oh, Maura. I'm home, but only because I was stupid and weak and let my guard down._ "

"I said the truth, Jane. And we both know that's not what happened."

"Yeah," Jane scoffed standing up to pace around the living room that she'd inhabited for a month after touching down on U.S. soil. "It's like I feel guilty for not telling her, you know. And she's so mad at me."

"Maura? Mad at you?" he said his head pointed in disbelief.

"I know Maura, and she's not going to say anything about it. But I'll feel guilty if I do tell her because then she'll get all sad and depressed and maybe she won't-….I don't know. I just need some time to think it through, but in the mean time I have to also figure out how to not be a jackass to her."

"I get that," he said sitting up to place his elbows on his knees. "You need to show her that no matter what, this little radio silence thing that you're giving her doesn't affect how you feel about her. You gotta give her something that shows you're still there and that you're working on it. That's what you gotta do, Jane."

The determination in his voice made her smirk and she finally settled back down on the couch. "Maybe _you_ should be my therapist, Frosty."

"That's basically what a best friend is," he said smirking proudly at himself. They shared a laugh as Jane reached up and rubbed the back of her neck. "The question is, how are you going to do that? How are you going to reassure her that you're just having a rough time and not being and ass wipe?"

"I believe I said jackass."

"Same difference," he said flatly.

"…I think I've got an idea," she said pulling on her shoes.

"Alright, Rizzoli. Don't do anything crazy!" he yelled after him as she raced out the front door grinning like a love-sick fool.

* * *

Maura walked into a dark and still house. Well, she thought it was until she walked into the kitchen placing her keys and purse on the table and heard the soft sound of music playing from up the stairs. Judging from events throughout the day while she was at the lab, she had an inkling that it was coming from the bed room. She walked to the other side of the kitchen to place the remainder of her dinner in the fridge.

A warm meal had mysteriously shown up on her desk thirty minutes after she'd called Jane to tell her she'd be coming home late. In a rushed, albeit disappointed flurry, the soldier had said that it was okay and that she'd just order take out. But upon learning from Kent that something had been delivered to her office she felt a sense of warmth spread through her chest at a brown bag sitting near her computer from her favorite restaurant.

Maura smiled to herself thinking back on the kind act and turned to go upstairs when something caught her eye. There was a note sitting on the counter next to the sink with a full glass of red wine next to it. She rubbed a finger around the base of the glass, blushing as she read the note.

_Come relax with me, love._

The doctor took a sip of wine as she slipped the note into her purse where _These flowers aren't as beautiful as you_ and _Dinner's on me tonight, baby_ were placed earlier _._

As she got closer, the sound of the music wafted louder and when she got to the door it was closed and dark except for the soft light peeking through beneath the door. Right above the door knob, another note read, _Let me show you how important and special you are._

"Hey," Jane said sitting on top of the covers, her legs stretched out. She smiled hesitantly, playing with the not on the black silk robe Maura bought her as a wedding gift four years ago. The room was spotless and the lights were off, small candles lighting up the space intimately.

"Hey, yourself," Maura said. A soft smile played on her lips as she tilted her head to rest on the side of the doorway. "Thank you for the flowers...and the dinner."

"You're welcome. But that's not all," she said excitedly hopping from the bed and taking Maura's hand.

The doctor followed, but she was confused to say the least. The last 24 hours had been a mixture of awkward, shyness and anger but now...now was the clear opposite. She couldn't help, but wonder what her wife was up to as she led her over to the bathroom. When she opened the door to the large bathroom, more candles awaited her as well as a full tub with rose petals atop bubbles breaking the water.

"Jane," she gasped.

"Yeah, I know." Jane laughed moving to stand behind Maura and placing her hands on her shoulders. "Something about how unsanitary it is to bathe in water with flowers in it or-"

"No, it's-"

"Maura." The doctor shivered slightly as her name danced along her neckline from Jane's warm breath on her shoulder. "I wanted to do something nice for you."

Jane kissed along the back of Maura's neck pulling slightly on the strap of the woman's dress. Eyes slipping shut, Maura's lips parted as her wife kissed her jaw. "Oh..."

"For putting up with my nonsense."

"Mhm," Maura hummed. She wasn't sure if the response was to Jane's statement or to her slowly sliding her tongue to the spot right below her ear. Jane's long fingered hands walked down to slid around her waist pulling her back into her, and Maura tightened her grip on the stem of the wine glass in her hand.

Jane's hands continued to patiently move up and down her side, one coming up to tug at the zipper on her dress.

"For loving me through this."

"Honey," Maura moaned turning her head just enough for her chin to touch her shoulder. Jane unzipped her dress and pulled at the straps on her shoulders. Holding Maura around her waist with one arm she helped the woman step out of her dress, laying it on the small trunk in the corner of the bathroom before returning.

"I know it's just as hard on you as it is on me, Maur," whispered the solider. Maura could feel pressure on her breasts that quickly dissipated as Jane released them, pulling on her bra and sliding it from her body. "I know, baby."

"God..." Steady sure fingers found their way to her hips. Jane tucked her thumbs into the edge of Maura's lace panties pulling them down only a little and then back up making Maura press back into her wife silently asking for her to continue. Her underwear was peeled from her body and slowly dragged down around her ankles where she stepped out of them. Jane folded her arms around Maura's smooth, warm skin and kissed her neck once more before coming back around to face Maura.

"And I want to show you that I appreciate your patience," she said. Maura, lip caught between her teeth shakily brought the glass back up to her lips and took a long sip. "To show you that I'm still here with you."

Taking the wine from Maura with one hand she tangled their fingers together with the other pulling her toward the bath. Maura placed one foot into the warm water and then the other, slowly sinking down until only her head was visible.

"Come join me," she reached out, water dripping from her finger tips.

"Nah," the taller woman said rubbing at the back of her neck. "This is for you."

"Yes, but it would be better if you were in here with me."

"You…you sure?"

"Please," Jane grinned, disrobing before stepping into the bath careful not to step on her wife.

"Front or back?"

"Right here," Maura gestured to the spot between her knees. The water sloshed against the rim of the tub as Jane sat back against her wife's front and curled her legs to the end of the bathtub.

As time passed, they were content to just sit; Maura stroking Jane's hair with one and Jane gliding her finger back and forth over Maura's knee sticking out of the water. They used to do this all of the time before they were married. Sit in peace with each other and revel in the slightest of touches.

"I love you," Maura whispered. She had the feeling like something was to be discussed while they were so close, but the water was turning cold and neither one of them had said anything for the last thirty minutes. "You hear me?" She asked threading her fingers through dark locs and pulling Jane's head back to look at her.

Jane pushed her arms down on her wife's knees to sit up and bring her lips to her freckled chin. Maura pulled on Jane's hair to draw her lips to her own. The water sloshed again as Jane sat up more and Maura tightened her thighs around the strong body between them. The soldier slipped her hand under the water squeezing her wife's soft hip. Maura moaned sliding down in the water to wrap her legs around Jane fully and Jane sat up on her knees breaking their kiss.

Her eyes traced the lines of her wife's face. Her slightly opened mouth, eyes round and straining to see her in the dark room, her bottom lip slowly tucking in between her teeth and the blush of her skin. Then she swallowed and stood, the water falling down her body.

"Come on, baby." She helped Maura out of the tub then got out herself. The soldier grabbed the white towel that she'd placed on the small table next to the tub and wrapped it around her wife. "Will you go get in the bed for me?"

"Aren't you coming," Maura wondered already making her way back to the source of the music.

"Yeah, just a sec."

Maura didn't ask questions, closing the door with a soft click and made her way over to the bed. She wiped her body down before lying back in the bed on top of the covers and she smiled shaking her head at herself chastisingly. She was nervously aroused. Like this was their first time all over again. She didn't know why; just knew that the butterflies in her stomach were causing her heart to quicken and her skin to feel electric.

The sound of the door creaking caught her attention and she looked over at her wife. It was too dark to read her facial features but she could feel Jane's energy as she stepped up to the bed with a towel wrapped around her waist, blowing out all but two candles. She silently got on to the covers and set herself close to Maura already beginning to kiss her way down her stomach.

"Jay," the doctor moaned letting her head fall back against the pillow as her wife kissed around her thighs. Jane groaned in response as her tongue ventured out to kiss at her wife's core.

Reaching up to her own breast, Maura sighed and pulled one knee up. She wasn't sure of the cause of the shift in her wife's demeanor, but now didn't seem like the time to broach it. So, she simply felt it. The way Jane's tongue circled her clit before kissing it. The way she let her hands drag up and down her hips. The way she remembered to always go back and suck on the skin between Maura's hip and her right thigh.

For a while Maura worried that her wife's absence would cause her to forget her body. The way it jerked or twisted in pleasure when she held her hips down steadily and sucked hard or the way it made her back arch when she scraped her short nails down her stomach. But not for a second had Jane seemed to have forgotten. Not a single second.

Maura brought her hand up to her mouth, biting on her knuckle. "I...oh God, Jane." She could feel how close she was in the way that her thighs contracted and trembled as they relaxed. "Don't stop. You're going to make me come…don't stop."

She heard her wife groan and pull away from her, coming up to slide one shaky finger across her cheek. "You're about to come?" Jane said, her voice low and gruff.

"What are you doing?" Maura asked, ignoring the question in a rush.

The soldier smirked grabbing Maura's hand and placing it over the towel around her waist. Maura tugged it off and felt her body heat numb. Between Jane's legs was the toy they had bought a while before they got married. They hadn't used it much. Jane called it their special occasion toy. It was the one that curled inside of Jane and strapped around her hips. They settled on that one after Maura said she wanted Jane to feel like it was real. And she did every time.

Now, Maura looked up into Jane's apprehensive eyes. It was usually the doctor who initiated it and Jane hoped she'd made the right decision. Maura pulled on the straps of the toy.

"Are you ready?" Jane asked leaning down on her hands.

"Hell, yes," Maura rushed out making Jane chuckle.

She pushed in slowly letting her body lower onto Maura's. She sighed savoring the moment and gathering the strength she needed to reassure her wife that she was okay. That it all would be okay. She rocked her body inch by inch and tucked her forehead into her wife's neck. The heaving breaths rushing passed her ear reminded her that she was still alive and still worth it.

"Jane…faster." It reminded her of the reason she came home. Because she had someone to come home to. Someone that valued her and. needed. her. to- "Baby, yes. Yes. Please." Reminded her to be strong. for. them. to. be- "Harder, Jay." To be okay. Reminded her that she was someone they needed to feel safe. "Jay! Oh, god. I-"

"L-Love you," Jane stuttered. The words felt like they were trying to claw their way out of her; to make their mark with every stroke of her hips.

"I love you, too. Oh, sweetheart, please. I'm so close."

"And I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She rocked yearningly, turning her face into Maura's chest and smearing a tear across her damp skin. "I'm sorry," she mumbled.

Maura felt it happening, but just like most things with love, she was powerless to stop it. "No," she rushed out. She tried to quell the fire in her stomach, but it grew with the increasingly pleasurable tension in her lower back. Her panic was not enough to stop the feeling as her wife repeated her apologies over and over until her back lifted off the bed and she threw her arms around Jane's neck. Maura's thighs clamped down around her wife as nails dug into her strong shoulders and her head fell back. She hiccupped out a soft _no_ wrapped in hurt and pleasure as her orgasm stung every part of her body touching Jane.

"It's okay," Jane said falling forward still enveloped in her wife's snug grip. She reached one hand up to move blonde sweaty hair out of the doctor's forehead before she kissed it. "I'm here, okay?"

Maura's chin trembled as she opened her eyes letting a few tears roll down her face and around to her ears. "Oh, Jane," she said understandingly, her breath staggered and her hips still shuddering. She tugged the woman down and kissed her pouring every bit of what she wanted to say into the woman. "Oh, sweet girl. I know."

"Maura," Jane grunted, wrapping her arms around her waist.

"Shhh. I know, Jane. I'm not going anywhere. Do you hear me?" she asked her eyes closed and her grip around Jane's hair painfully tight. She shifted her legs to pull their pelvises together and Jane bent at the waist meeting her thrust, pulling back and pushing herself in. Jane could breathe again. It felt like her chest was lighter now and air reached parts of her lungs that she didn't even realize was there. She rocked her hips again and again as Maura's brave, sure voice continued to remind her again and again, "I know. I'm not going anywhere."


	6. Chapter 6

_Jane could breathe again. It felt like her chest was lighter now and air reached parts of her lungs that she didn't even realize was there. She rocked her hips again and again as Maura's brave, sure voice continued to remind her again and again, "I know. I'm not going anywhere."_

_"I know. I just don't want you to get sick of me," Jane confessed as she buried her face in Maura's neck._

_"What?" Maura pulled her face up, canting her hips down to stop Jane's rocking. "What are you talking about?"_

_"You can't keep walking on eggshells around me. I know I need to…we need to talk about what happened. I'm just not ready yet."_

_Maura pulled her into a kiss letting her lips linger up her jaw and to her ear. "It's okay. I'll wait, Jane." The solider took a deep breath and promised to make the truth known sooner rather than later._

But it had been three weeks and she could feel her wife growing restless. Their conversations had changed complete with bickering over small things. Maura coming home late on date night. Jane leaving her socks next to the hamper. Joe Friday eating Bass' strawberries. The atmosphere in their home was slowly starting to take on another form.

And yet, Jane had finally settled into a routine, which bothered her. Wake up at five in the morning, go for a jog, come back home and go into the basement to practice on the punching bag. Take a shower, wake her wife for breakfast before work. She was excited about that, having finally convinced her mother that she didn't need to come to the house for coffee every single day. She felt like it was a moment to convince her wife that she hadn't forgotten her promise of transparency.

On Tuesday and Thursday, she headed to therapy. Other than that, however, she usually sat around the house. Cleaning, watching the news, or texting Frost while Maura was at work and now, she was anxious. Not doing anything made Jane feel useless and sometimes she would go for a drive just to feel like she was doing something purposeful. Even if it was going to the store for more lettuce for bass. She was quickly getting bored and restless, but Maura said this was her time to relax.

"You've been on three tours, Jane. Enjoy your civility," she'd said.

But she was way past that now having been home for nearly two months, and being alone in their big house with nothing to do was like playing with a Ouija board…waiting for the dark spirits to come. And come they did. The nightmares were still there but with therapy, she was getting better at controlling her reactions to them. Before, she would wake up paralyzed, sit there until she could breathe again, then make her way down to the basement. Other times, they would rip from her body through her voice and startle her wife awake. Leaving the doctor to comfort her an hour and a half before she needed to be awake for work. Now, though, she could get by with a waking grunt, loud enough to wake herself but not her wife as she'd slowly slide out of bed.

Those were the times when she wasn't alone. But when her wife is at work and her mother has decided not to come over and talk her ear off, she could almost feel him creeping over her shoulder when she sat on the couch. Could feel the sting of his blade when she'd burned her finger on the stove. Could hear his chuckle coming from the audience in a sitcom she was watching on tv. That's why she always watches the news now.

She was listening to Anderson Cooper regale the crises in another foreign country when her phone buzzed against her thigh. She smiled before answering.

"Please don't tell me you're gonna be late. If I have to stare at Andy Cooper's white hair any longer I might go snow blind," she greeted.

Maura laughed and she could hear a deeper voice chuckle as well. "You could always change the channel, you know. And no, I'm not going to be late. Actually, I need a favor that might help with your boredom."

Jane sat up already in search of her keys. "What do you need?"

"Well, for some reason a few packages that I ordered to the house ended up here. One of them is rather big and I brought the Lexus to work. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind bringing the Prius here and loading it."

The soldier walked toward the door, shoving her wallet into her coat jacket and looping the keys on her finger. "What kind of package?"

Again, Maura laughed and sighed. "It's just a few paintings. Do you mind, Jane?"

"I'm on my way," she said jumping into the car and letting it warm up.

When she pulled up to the station she didn't see the Lexus and wasn't sure where to park. Following the lead of a few more cars, Jane parked in the front of the building behind an unmarked. Bracing herself against the cold wind on her face, she hurried into the building, thanking an officer who held the door open. She was almost to the elevator when she was stopped an officer at the front.

"Can I help you, ma'am?" the young man asked.

"Oh…uh, I'm here to see Doctor Maura Isles."

He looked her up and down for a moment. "Doctor Isles is working in the lab right now."

"I know." Jane paused for a moment, jaw tightening a twitch. "I just spoke to her on the phone and she asked me to come down here." When the man just stared at her, she sighed, rolling her eyes and pulling out her ID. "I'm Jane Rizzoli-Isles. Her wife." He stepped forward, glancing at the name and then pulled out a clipboard from the table beside him. Looking over it, he peered back at Jane, then her ID and shook his head.

"I'm sorry. You're not on the ME's list."

"What do you mean I'm not on the list?"

"You're not on the list of Doctor Isles' approved visitors."

"Fucking ridiculous," she mumbled. She pulled out her wallet again, pointing it in the officer's face. "I'm her wife. We literally share the same name."

"I'm sorry—"

"Fine." She pulled her phone out of her pocket and dialed Maura's number. On the third ring, Jane closed her eyes and tried to get a handle on her anger. When she heard the voicemail, she hung up and tried again, only to get the same thing. "Shit." Turning back to the officer, she flipped through her wallet, pulling out a different card and holding it up to his face. "First Sergeant, Jane Rizzoli of the United States Army. I need to see Doctor Isles."

When her army ID card appeared, the man's eyebrows shot up and he stuttered over his words. He scrambled to check his list again, but when he looked up his face was even more pained. "First Sergeant, I'm sorry, but you're still not on the list."

"Then why in the hell do you have those guest stickers, if you're not going to let me be a guest?" she said, her voice rising.

"The protocols changed because a few incidents. Unless they are on the medical examiner's approved list, only people who request to see a specific officer or detective get a guest pass. I'm so sorry. I can call down to the lab and—"

"Did you not just see me try to call her?" she said taking a step forward. "You realize this is bullshit, right?" She said getting a little louder.

"Sergeant—"

"It's First Sergeant."

"Officer Brown!" Came a voice from beside them. The man snapped his eyes over and relief gripped his body. Jane looked over to the short, silver-haired man in a suit walking toward them. "I'll handle this." The man looked over to Jane and smiled. He waited until Officer Brown stepped aside to help another person before he said, "My name is Detective Vince Korsak. What can I do for you, First Sergeant?"

Jane paused, glancing over to Officer Brown who refused to look her way. Letting out a large sigh, she responded. "My wife, Doctor Maura Isles asked me to come down here to help her with something. I don't know what this list of approved people is or why I'm not on it, but she's not answering her phone."

Detective Korsak studied her quickly before smiling again. "Of course. Follow me." He turned and began walking. Jane waited only a moment before following him. Once they were in the elevator, she could feel him watching her.

"What?" she asked.

"Nothing," he said quickly turning back. "It's just…are you really the Doc's wife?"

"Christ," Jane mumbled, pulling out her phone. She scrolled through her pictures, showing him their wedding photo that she used as her lock screen.

He looked at her, then back up with embarrassment. "I'm sorry. I just didn't realize she was married."

The doors rolled open and Jane followed the man down the hallway and through a few doors. She'd been down here once, when Maura first started working here two years ago, but was banished after a half dozen empty test tubes ended up shattered on the ground, the soldier, guiltily holding one of Maura's African masks against her face. She couldn't remember where her wife's office was, but she could hear the woman laughing. The detective knocked on the open door and when Jane walked in, her wife was sitting behind her desk, another man with a brown beard and thick eyebrows sitting opposite her. They were both smiling about something, and Jane noticed Maura's cellphone on her desk, face down.

"Doctor Isles, you have a visitor," said Detective Korsak. Maura looked over and her face brightened further.

"Jane!" She said excitedly not noticing her wife's irritated demeanor.

"You don't answer your phone?" she said harshly as she walked in the room. She'd thought her anger had dissipated by the time she'd reached the lab, but seeing Maura sitting there joking with this guy when she needed her, sparked her annoyance again. It was like an itching in the back of her mind that wouldn't be satisfied.

The smile on Maura's face sagged as she reached over to her phone, seeing the missed calls. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I didn't realize it was on silent." Maura stood from her chair, pointing first at Jane, then to the detective still standing in the doorway. "Jane, this is Sergeant Detective Vince Korsak. Sergeant, this is Jane."

"Your wife," he supplied.

"Yes," Maura said cheerfully bouncing over to Jane to lace their fingers together and place a kiss on her cheek. He gave Jane a look that was somewhere between amusement and skepticism.

"We met," Jane said before turning to him. "Thanks, for getting me down here."

"No problem, Jane." He patted her on the shoulder, before saying his goodbyes and heading back upstairs.

"Jane, this is the assistant medical examiner, Kent Drake."

Kent was handsome in a scruffy, overpowering cologne kind of way. He stepped up to the solider and stuck out his hand which Jane slowly took, straightening her back and looking him over. On his part, Kent shook her hand with vigor, smiling and not registering Jane's body language. "It's nice to meet you," he said cheerfully.

Jane merely grunted as the man walked back over to the chair and took a seat. They all stood for a moment and Maura started to see that something was off by the way her wife's shoulders hunched and her head was titled, staring at the two takeout bags on her desk. She placed her hand on Jane's forearm and leaned into her. "You seem a little tense. Is everything alright?"

Jane sighed, looking down and shifting her weight on her heels. "Where are the boxes?" Jane had spotted them in the corner and moved to grab the big one before her wife could respond. Maura watched after her, but upon discovering Kent looking between them uncomfortably, she decided to drop it for now. Maura walked to her desk, grabbed her purse and went to pick up the smaller box that she'd be putting in her car, when Kent popped up like a rocket.

"Oh, Doctor Isles. I can carry that one," he said.

"That's quite alright." Jane watched, as Maura and Kent, both smiling, went back and forth about who would carry the small box. Finally, she placed her package down with a small thud. Walking over to grab the small box from between Maura and Kent's hands, she placed it on top of her box and picked them both up, walking toward the door without a word.

"She seems lovely," Kent said, as Maura released a breath halfway between a groan and a laugh before following her wife out toward the elevator.

When they reached the lobby, Maura took a left and Jane went straight ahead. "Wait, where are you going? The garage is this way."

"Maura," the soldier huffed. She tried to look over at her, but the second box covered her mouth and half of her vision. "I parked out there."

The doctor followed Jane's head jerk and her eyes grew wider. "In the front? Jane, they tow cars that park in the front!"

"Well how was I supposed to—" Jane jousted the box beginning to fall until it was balanced. "How was I supposed to know that?" But Maura was already marching toward the double doors. Jane followed, stomping all the way there. The sun had set and Jane's eyes were adjusting to the darkness when she heard Maura's voice.

"She had no idea she wasn't supposed to park here."

"Look, I like you Doc, but that's not my fault. I have to tow it," said the deeper voice. Jane sighed, placing the packages down on the side walk and got ready for an argument. But what she saw shocked her for only a moment before she smiled.

"Relax, Maur," the soldier said placing her hand on her wife's back. "This car isn't going anywhere." Maura turned to look at her puzzled.

"Oh, yeah?" the man said slinging he chain on the ground and turning around. His mouth was posed to say more, but soon a slew of white teeth appeared from behind his lips. He stepped up to Jane whose hand was half raised for some sort of a hand shake from what Maura could tell. "Son of bitch!"

"No, shit!" Jane laughed, hugging the man a moment before stepping back and wrapping her arm around Maura. "How have you been, Moe?"

"Aw, you know," he pointed at his truck. "Working. What about you? Last I heard, you were still in Iraq."

"I just got back actually."

"And you're married to the Doc?" He looked between the two.

Jane smiled, though it was stunted. "Yeah."

"Same ole Rizzoli," he chuckled taking the chain away from the tires of the Prius. "That luck doesn't run out does it," he laughed nodding his head at Maura who sighed in relief as the man took the car off of the rise. It seemed like her wife knew people everywhere they went. Sometimes it was slightly inconvenient, having to stand there for what felt like hours as Jane talked to an old high school team member about their last playoff game. But sometimes it had its benefits.

"Well, you know…" Jane looked down to her wife, pulling her a little closer. "Maur, I used to whoop Moe's ass in football at the park when we were in high school.

"You wish!" Moe looked at Maura with a grin and shrugged. "Sorry about the car, Doc."

"No, it's fine and thank you for taking it down."

"It's no problem. Oh, and you can park here whenever you need to."

"That's not nec—" Maura started before her wife gave her a squeeze.

"Nah, he owes me one," said the soldier quietly. Maura looked from the woman beside her to Moe as they both silently nodded at each other before shaking hands again. "It was good to see you, man."

"You too, Rizzoli. Hey," he said opening the door to his truck. "You be good."

"No promises," Jane said and smiled as he drove away, his deep laugh echoing out the window.

It wasn't until they were getting ready for bed that Maura took the chance of figuring out why her wife's mood had been broody since the moment she walked in the office. Throwing her nightgown over her head, she watched as Jane sat with her back to her taking off her socks.

"Something the matter?" she asked. She could see Jane's shoulder's sag.

"No."

"Hm," Maura said. "You've been acting strangely since I asked you to pick up the package…If you were busy, Jane, you could have just said that," Maura said carefully, openly aware of not tipping the scale.

"Wasn't busy," was the stunted reply.

"Okay...Jane." Maura walked across the room to stand in front of her. The solider wasn't deterred as she still sat picking dirt out of her fingernails. "Jane?" She asked again, but was still doused in silence. Sighing she put her hands on her hips. "So, you're ignoring me now?"

"Oh, like you did?" Brown eyes finally shifted up and the intensity of her stare made Maura's breathing still for a moment. "Doesn't feel so great, does it?"

As Jane scooted back onto the bed and tucked her feet under, her wife shook her head in frustration. "What does that mean? Is this…because I missed your phone call? Jane, I didn't do that intentionally because I was ignoring you."

"And what about the other times," she mumbled.

Maura laughed somewhat manically as she sat heavily on the bed beside Jane. "Sweetheart, what other times?"

Jane contemplated how to have this conversation without bursting with anger, but she felt slighted by the whole sequence of events. "Why am I not on your list?"

"What list?" Maura asked.

"The one of approved people who get to visit you in the lab. I mean not a single person that I spoke to knew who I was…or that you were even married!"

"Is that what this is about?" Maura laughed.

"I'm serious, Maura," she said looking at the doctor. "Why don't you tell people you have a wife. And why…" Jane paused, glancing quickly down to the wedding ring around Maura's finger. "Why didn't you have your wedding ring on when I came to the lab."

Maura licked her lips and swallowed. She'd become so used to not wearing it at work. She loved Jane. Only had eyes for her soldier, so it didn't even occur to her that not announcing her marital status or wearing something that did just that would bother Jane.

"I don't wear it at work, because half of the time I'm elbow deep in the stomach of a deceased human being."

"You wear gloves, don't you?" Maura watched her wife. The way her eyebrows pointed down in the middle, the way she held her body tightly, her thumb rubbing back and forth over the scar in the middle of her palm.

"We've had this conversation," Maura said. "Jane, I love you. I want you. Just because I don't announce that I'm taken or wear a ring to ward people off doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly fall in love with someone else."

"Why wouldn't you?"

"Excuse me?" the doctor nearly screeched. Jane slid out of the bed, tangling her fingers in her hair.

"That's not what I meant," she whispered. "I still don't understand why you don't tell people or wear your ring. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?"

"Yes, but I'm telling you that you don't have to feel that way." Jane turned slowly toward her tilting her head and dropping her jaw. "Okay, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to tell you how to feel, but it's really not that big of a deal—"

"It is to me!" Jane shouted. Maura flinched slightly and looked over at the opposite wall. "Just tell me why, Maura." Said woman didn't utter a word, just sat staring off for nearly a minutes.

Jane had felt this coming all week. It seemed like not matter how hard she'd tried to keep things peaceful her, past reared its ugly head in the form of anger…directed at the one person who she wasn't actually angry with. Maura's chest huffed quickly and something clicked for her seemingly at the same time as Jane. This was it. The weeks building, filled with small arguments then claims of love, hurt feelings then romantic gestures and passive statements then small bits of information about their experiences while apart. And they had finally reached the point. There were no other avenues around this.

Finally, Jane looked back at her wife and she could see her face completely emotionless. Her eyes were completely blank. "I don't know," mumbled Maura.

"Yes, you do."

"I said I don't know."

"Why, Maura?" Jane said walking around the bed. "Is it because you're ashamed of me. Or you're…ya know, keeping your options open—"

"Are you kidding me?" Maura shot up from the bed. "So, you think I've been prowling for people to sleep with while my wife was risking her life for millions of people? Is that what you honestly think, Jane?"

Jane stood straighter and said lowly, "I don't know, Maura. Is that why you didn't tell anyone." The only sound in the room was of Maura's ragged breaths. "Just tell me—"

"I was scared!" Maura shouted and Jane's mouth snapped shut. Maura rubbed her face, smudging the tears that had started to fall.

Jane took a small step forward and swallowed guiltily at forcing her wife into this state. She looked down to her feet, then back to her wife. "Maura—"

But Maura felt like she couldn't stop. It was like the more she spoken, the more she realized how much she hadn't actually processed her feelings. "I was scared that every time I closed my eyes the phone would wake me in the middle of the night to tell me you were dead."

"Baby." Jane reached for her hand, but it was harshly slapped away. The sting surprised her and her head snapped up as Maura continued to rant.

"I was scared to turn on the news and see your face under the words another American soldier kidnapped. I swear it wasn't intentionally but I couldn't help it. I was afraid you were never coming home to me."

"And you don't think I was scared, Maura?" Jane yelled, her voice squeaking slightly as her throat constricted. "I was terrified out of my fucking mind. You were scared? You're not the one who had a deranged man, someone who was supposed to be on your side, have your back…"

Jane was pacing, hands running through her hair. Maura could see the other woman's eyes beginning to drift in and out of focus and she gasped slightly taking a step forward with her hands stretched toward the soldier. "Jane."

"No, you asked for this, right?" Jane said tilting her head and raising her hands in the air.

Maura couldn't say anything. If she said no she'd be lying, because since her wife was discharged she had wanted more than anything to know what happened to her overseas. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled."

But Jane continued. "Have you ever had to look someone in the face while they broke you? Drove fucking knives through your hands, break your nose, almost break your jaw…"

"Jane, slow down."

"Janie you're not good enough for her. She needs a real man."

"Please. I need you to breathe."

"You want to talk about scared, Maura? How about when he puts his knee on your fucking wind pipe until you can't breathe!"

"Just let me—"

"No, just stop….I have to get out of here, before I say something I'm going to regret." Maura finally found her feet moving. She sprang forward, grabbing her wife's hand.

"Jane, please. Just stay. Just…" The solider slipped her hand away, but didn't walk out of the door. She stood tall, with her hands hanging at her sides and her shoulders shifting quickly. Maura walked slowly up to her, placing her hands on the muscles of her upper back. She could feel Jane's heart beating quickly under her finger tips and pressed harder, dropping her head to the middle of her wife's back. "Breathe, sweetheart."

"Fuck." Jane's voice shook much like her body trying to get herself under control. "I can't do this."

"Look at me," she said slowly turning Jane around and pressing her hands over Jane's heart. "You don't have to keep this inside. Just talk to me." When Jane began to protest Maura gripped her shoulder's. "I am right here. Please, just tell me."

Jane finally opened her eyes, and Maura felt lightheaded. She looked up to Jane putting the information together. It wasn't until she brought her hands up around Jane's face that she realized she was shaking, too. "Maura," came the desperate grunt, the beginning of her wife trying to shut her emotions down. More of the piece of what Jane said started to lock together and she couldn't help the way her eyes snapped down to Jane's neck, a soft finger following.

"Oh, sweet girl." The next second Jane was in her arms, sobbing and Maura wished she had more strength to hold her tighter. Her wife repeated her name over and over.

"I can't…I can't tell you."

"Yes, you can." Maura stumbled back a little as Jane fell into her. The soldier kept pushing until the back of Maura's knees touched the bed. Once she finally gave in and sat on the mattress, Jane fell to her knees, her head in Maura's lap. Back and forth she rolled her head, wrapping her arms around her wife. Maura ran one hand through dark curls and gripped the back of the soldier's neck with the other, shushing the woman as her cries grew smaller. "What do you need?"

"You," came the small, immediate answer. Leaning down to press a kiss to her soldier's head, Maura held her tighter. She could feel hot tears soaking her nightgown and sweaty hands gripping her bare thighs underneath her gown.

"You have me," Maura whispered.

Jane's head slowly raised up and she bit her lip. "He told me I didn't." Maura remained quiet, slowly rocking them side to side. "He said you—Maura, I had to stop him. To get to you."

"Oh," Maura whimpered as she clung to the woman in front of her. "It's okay. I'm okay…" she whispered into Jane's ear. "It's okay."


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So a bit of news...I'm graduating Uni this week :) Finally, I will have a Bachelor's of Art Degree in Journalism in my hand. I have time to read things other than textbooks and write things other than speeches, press releases and 6-part features. My creative writer's block already seems to be easing up. Thanks for sticking it out and happy reading!

She sat with her socked feet rested on the coffee table. The room was dark except for the soundless tv running an infomercial about chalkboard paint. Jane wasn’t paying it any attention as the host oohed and aahed at the texture of the paint. Her half-lidded eyes moved over to her phone, checking the time. It was 3:30 a.m. and she couldn’t sleep. Sure, she was tired, but despite three days of having no dreams at all, her brain just wouldn’t shut off. She placed her phone back down on the couch cushion and turned her attention back to the tv. Her phone began to ring and to stop it from echoing through the house, up the stairs and into the bedroom where her wife was sleeping, she quickly answered without looking at the screen.

“Uh, hello?” She whispered harshly.

“Oh!” came a surprised voice. “You’re watching tv and not bouncing around in the basement?”

“Excuse me?” Jane said caught off guard. She pulled the phone away from her face, rolling her eyes at the name. “Ma?”

“Who else would be calling you?”

“What?” Jane paused in her confusion. “No one. It’s 3:30 in the morning.”

“Exactly,” Angela said proudly.

There was a short stretch of silence as Jane waited for her mother to explain herself. “So…” she finally said.

“You should turn off the tv and go back to bed.”

Shaking her head, Jane swallowed and cleared her throat. “Um…okay…couple two, three things,” she said almost laughing at this bizarre situation. “How did you know I was watching tv? How did you even know I was awake…why are _you_ awake right now?”

“A mother knows,” she said suspiciously. “Go sleep with your wife.”

“Ma!” Jane screeched, beginning to stutter out a response.

“Not like that!” Angela said. Then, she mumbled, “ _Or_ like that. Maybe that would cool you down a bit—”

The soldier looked around the room laughing nervously. “Okay we’re not—I…hanging up now.” Jane heard _SLEEP WITH YOUR WIFE!_ as she tapped the red circle on her phone’s screen.

“The fuck…” Jane huffed out as she tossed her phone to the side. She picked up the remote, letting it rest on her thigh as she continued to watch tv. She looked at the sales person on the screen bouncing around the cans of paint for a few more moments, before rolling her eyes and clicking it off. She sat in the darkness for a bit longer before her mother’s words rumbled around in her head again. Grabbing her phone, she crept up the stairs making sure to avoid the creaks near the railing.

The soldier, peaked her head around the cracked bedroom door. The sliver of moonlight pouring through the curtain landed on the side of her wife’s face. The light slid down her delicately thin nose and rippled over her parted lips. Jane rested her head against the door frame as she reminisced on how beautiful the woman was. She took a second to reflect on the peace and joy settling in her chest at the sight. She really didn’t know what she would do without the woman, but undoubly had a taste of it before. Of what would happen if she lost Maura.

_“I’m going to take her, Janie. Then I’ll make her mine. And guess what? She’ll forget all. about. you.”_

Frustrated, Jane exhaled harshly through her nose as she felt her stomach turn and fear pull at her. She looked down at the floor for a moment to gain her senses, then looked back at Maura. Her chest rose and fell evenly as her ivory fingers gripped the pillow under her head lightly. Her eyebrows twitched and Jane smiled. Sliding in to bed, Jane hoped whatever her wife was dreaming about was enough to distract her from the soldier’s strong hands sliding around her middle and pulling her close.

 

* * *

 

_Frowning in surprise as the unlocked front door gave way, Angela stepped hesitantly into her daughter’s house. She looked over at the clock in the foyer and felt a trickle of fear spread throughout her body as the late hour of 3:27 a.m. stared back at her. Making her way through the silent house, she was about to call out for her daughter-in-law, but gasped as she walked around the kitchen island. “Oh…Oh, Maura.”_

_“No, I’m fine,” came the unconvincing whisper._

_Angela looked around at the site. Maura was sitting on the floor with her back pressed against the lower cabinets, a dust pan in her hand while the broom lay several feet away. Small red and white glass shards littered the floor around her, a large piece of glass that read **Red Sox** lay in her lap. The skin just beneath her eyes was still wet with tears and her silk pajama clad legs curled underneath her. _

_“No,” Angela said stepping lightly over the glass to reach her daughter-in-law. “You’re not.” With her hands the older Rizzoli began raking the glass into a small pile. She chanced a look up to the doctor to see her face beginning to twist unpleasantly. She stopped what she was doing, placing her hand on Maura’s shoulder. “Sweetheart—”_

_Angela startled at the loud gasp and subsequent sob that escaped Maura. “I broke it!” As if she hadn’t noticed the mess before, Maura suddenly sat up and started grabbing the pieces of glass. “It’s her favorite and m-my phone started ringing and I d-dropped…I…broke her favorite coffee c-cup…I—”_

_“Stop,” Angela said gently. She reached for Maura’s hands but the woman snatched them away, her fingers disappearing into her sleep-mused hair._

_“No!” She said bringing her hands down to cover her face. “Nonono! No, it’s my fault. I sh-shouldn’t have been using it. It’s just sometimes I can…I can,” this time she allowed the matriarch to pull her hands away. She looked up to Angela who was still shushing her and telling her to stop. “I can, I can, I can s-still taste her lips on it sometimes. Sometimes.”_

_“Oh, mio Dio,” Angela whispered, pulling the doctor harder until she fell into her, tucking her head under her mother-in-law’s chin. “Maura…oh, Maura.”_

_“I-I need her. I need her to come home, Angela.”_

_“Oh, baby,” Angela sighed, beginning to rock the woman back and forth._

_Jane was deployed and there hadn’t been word on how she was for almost a month now. Angela was more worried than she’d admit, but she knew that her daughter, wherever she was, was okay. She thought the same of her daughter-in-law, until now. It was tough on everyone when Jane was called up for the third time, but Maura always seemed to be handling it better than anyone else. If it weren’t for Tommy’s girlfriend going into labor an hour ago and not being able to get Maura on the phone, she would never have come here. Never would have known that Maura was falling apart._

_“I’m scared,” Maura whispered._

_“I know,” Angela said pulling away to put her lips on Maura’s forehead. “I know. Me too. But you know what?” she pulled away to look at Maura. “Jane’s going to be okay.”_

_Maura’s hazel eyes swelled with tears as she shook her head. “No, you don’t know that—”_

_“Yes, I do.... A mother knows. Hey, listen to me.” The older Rizzoli put her hands around Maura’s face, waiting for her to look into her eyes. “I **know** it. You know why?” She paused seeing the anguish in Maura’s eyes, begging for something to soothe her thoughts. “Because my daughter is strong. **Both** of my daughters are strong and there is nothing in this world that will keep her from coming home to us…to you, Maura.”_

_Maura’s breath was shallow as she felt the remnants of her panic attack diminishing and pressing down on her tired body. “Nothing?” she asked quietly._

_“Not a damn thing.”_

_The doctor breathed in deeply reaching up to hold on to one of the hands cradling her face. “Nothing,” she said with a bit more confidence._

_Angela smiled and hummed in response. After a beat, she reached for Maura’s hands. “Now, come on my strong girl. Let’s get up.” Maura nodded as her eyes began to droop a little. She leaned into Angela’s side as they both maneuvered around the glass and made their way up stairs._

* * *

 

For a moment her mind was blank. The only thought being the color of the ceiling she was staring at. She wasn’t even breathing but she didn’t feel panicked. Unmoving, she blinked a few times, then a warm hand tightened around her waist and she gasped.

“Oh, sorry.” Maura lulled her head around to Jane smiling sheepishly at her from across their bed. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”

“I broke your Red Sox coffee cup.”

Jane’s eyebrows scrunched as she looked away for a moment to process. “Uh, yeah I noticed it wasn’t in the cabinet when I got discharged. So, listen I wanted to ask you if—”

“You’re not angry?” Maura asked.

“Why would I be angry?” Jane asked moving a little closer. She shrugged her shoulders, “it’s just a coffee cup.” Involuntarily, Maura’s eyes slipped shut and she bit her lip, nuzzling the back of her head into the pillow. “Hey, are you alright?” Jane asked as she pulled on her wife’s hip to gain her attention.

Looking over to her soldier she turned over on her side, sliding her hand up the comforter to trace Jane’s cheek bone. “I missed you so much.” At that a smile spread so far across Jane’s lips that Maura’s body respond in likeness.

“Baby, what are you talking about? I literally saw you seven hours ago,” Jane said, but when Maura just stared, she moved closer.

“I missed you too,” Jane said, her voice deep in her chest. The soldier leaned over to plant soft kisses on her wife’s cheek, then her nose, then her lips. Maura blushed fiercely and leaned into it. Her teeth bit down on her wife’s bottom lip and the soldier moaned, the surprise at the little move apparent on her face as Maura pulled back.

The doctor smiled at her wife’s expression, her body moving closer, drawn to the soldier. She lazily ran her finger tips along Jane’s bicep and smirked. “What is it that you wanted to ask me?” she said in a tone colored with lust and innocent curiosity.

“Well, I was wondering…” she paused as she watched her wife’s fingers hover over her skin all the way down to the top of her shorts, one finger dancing along the waistband before tugging it a few inches down then up again. She waited for a moment, until the woman’s eyes met her again. “If you’d want to go for a run with me this morning…but I see you have other things on your mind.”

Maura chuckled, shrugging one of her shoulders. “Sorry,” Maura said carelessly. “I just needed to feel you.” Jane raised a skeptical eyebrow, grunting an _uh-huh_ that made Maura laugh loudly. The doctor removed her hands and placed them under her back. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry.”

“Oh, please,” Jane said moving to straddle Maura. She placed her hands on Maura’s elbows to keep her hands locked behind her back as she kissed up her neck. “Do _not_ apologize for that.”

Maura’s back arched under Jane’s attention, feeling heat travel down her body. “But it _is_ my day off and a run does sound like a great way to start my day.”

“First of all, you told me that getting it on releases just as many endorphins as runners high.”

“I don’t believe those were my exact words—”

“Semantics.”

“Science.”

“Plus…” Jane said sliding the palms of her hands down to lay on Maura’s breast. “This,” she said giving them a squeeze, “is the perfect way to start our day.” She chuckled at Maura’s moan.

“I supposed we could go for a run _after_ ,” she said trying to pull her hands free.

“We could,” Jane answered, holding her wife’s arms in place.

“Maybe get breakfast while we’re out?”

“Mhm,” Jane said reaching to the small buttons of her wife’s shirt. “Anything you want.”

The doctor opened her eyes and smiled. “Anything I want.”

 

* * *

 

It was only a mile from their home when Maura felt the burning in her legs might be too much. “I think it’s time for me to get a job,” Jane said randomly.

“Really?” Maura breathed out, trying to flex her legs a bit more to alleviate some of the pain. She didn’t want to stop, because that would mean interrupting Jane. So far Jane had taken a minute or so every mile to share something about her deployment. _Frost ate all the cookies you sent me the last time because I put a rubber snake in his bed. They gave me a medal when I was discharged…I keep it in the lock box with my gun. I wish you could have met one of my native buddies there. I almost called you once when I was in PT…I’m sorry that I didn’t. All the kids there laughed at me when I tried to kick the soccer ball and landed in the sand on my ass._ “Are…are you sure…that you’re ready?”

“Yeah, I mean I can’t just keep sitting around fixing things around the house that aren’t broken,” the soldier said laughing. Maura eyed her and noticed the woman wasn’t even sweating all that much. “Plus, I think Bass knows it’s really been me and not Jo snagging his fancy strawberries.”

“You’ve been what?” Maura huffed.

Jane waved her hand through the air and continued. “And I think it would be good for me. To help focus all this…energy you know?”

“Um…yes…I—” Maura’s foot got caught on a broken piece of the sidewalk and she stumbled forward, arms out and braced for the fall before Jane quickly reached over to steady her.

Figuring her wife simply didn’t see the cracked concrete, she continued to run, but the other woman’s legs were not cooperating. So, she stopped placing her hand on the doctors back. “Whoa…Maura hey- “

“I’m sorry I have to stop,” she said moving over to sit on the front steps of an apartment building.

Jane sat beside her grabbing her hand in apprehension. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, I just…seven miles is…it’s been a while—” Maura said smiling as her cheeks turned red with embarrassment.

“Shit, Maura, why didn’t you say anything?”

“You were talking and I didn’t want to interrupt you.”

“Baby—” Jane started, but Maura waved away her concern.

“I’m fine. Really,” Maura smiled weakly. They sat for a moment longer until Maura stood on her own and looked down to her wife. “Come on. We only have about a mi—” She was cut off as her soldier bent down and secured her arms around her knees and back.

Scrambling to hold on to her wife’s shoulders and avoid sudden death, Maura yelped. “Jane! I-I can walk.”

Tightening her grip Jane laughed and started walking. “I know you _can_. But we only have a mile left till we’re home.”

“But sweetheart—”

“But nothing,” Jane said jostling Maura in her arms and effectively silencing her.

Maura sighed laying her head against her wife’s neck. “Will you keep talking to me at least?”

Jane laughed and picked up her speed a little. “About?”

“Who was he?” Maura asked quietly, and before Jane could let her fears get the best of her she answered.

“My superior. Sergeant Major Charles Hoyt.”

“Keep going,” the doctor nuzzled into her neck.

Jane looked around before crossing the street; ignoring all the stares they were receiving. “He’d been obsessed with me. My life, my routine, my…you. You didn’t get any of the letters, did you?”

Head raised, Maura asked, “what letters?”

Jane grunted and held her tighter. “Good,” she simply said. “I got Frost to intercept them before they got sent to the mail room.”

Gaining some understanding, Maura could feel something like dread trickle throughout her body. “He—Hoyt wrote me letters?”

Jane almost lost her grip, _Don’t ever say his name_ was on the tip of her tongue when a man bumped into them running down the sidewalk. A few seconds later they both heard the sirens as an unmarked car followed by a police car both came screeching around the corner. It was like an actual switch was flipped inside of Jane and she’d put Maura down and was running after him before she could even register her wife calling after her.

The man must have heard her footsteps, because once he looked over his shoulder his eyes grew wider and his legs moved faster. He turned a corner reaching for a garbage can on the road and throwing it behind him. The soldier didn’t blink as she jumped over it, gaining on him by the second. He bumped into a woman walking with her groceries and stumbled. That was the chance Jane needed. She lunged at him, grabbing his jacket and they both tumbled to the ground. The soldier was caught off guard as his pitiful swing at her actually landed.

“Get off me you bitch!” She grabbed his arm as it swung again, flipping him over. With calculated agility, she bent his wrist back, forcing his middle finger toward his forearm.

“Don’t you fucking move!” She yelled. The man’s howl of pain was lost in the siren of the unmarked as it drove within view. Jane looked up as the unmarked and the police car screeched to a halt both of them half way in the road. She turned her attention quickly back to the man who was squirming now. Shaking her head, Jane eased up on her grip slightly and sighed. “Listen buddy I don’t want to hurt you, but it’s only going to hurt worse if you keep pulling like that.”

“Fuck. You.” An unexpected burst of laughter came out of Jane as she simply shook her head at the man.

“Rizzoli!”

Jane’s smirk dropped and she snapped her head over her shoulder at the familiar voice. She sat up, still keeping her hold on the man to see two men running toward her. Squinting her eyes a moment, she recognized them as the officer who wouldn’t let her see Maura in the lab and, “Korsak?”

Half out of breath, the detective made it to them and stopped, hands on his hips to catch his breath as the other officer reached down to cuff the suspect. “Thanks,” he said smiling. “I’m getting too old to be running after perps.” He patted the suspect on the shoulder as the officer took him toward the car.

“Yeah, well,” Jane laughed looking back to see her wife running over to them. “You did me a favor, so I’ll call that even.”

The detective chuckled. “Hey,” he said curiously. “You ever thought about a career in law enforcement? Sure could really use that long stride of yours.”

Rubbing her hand across the back of her neck, Jane shrugged and watched as Maura finally made it over to them. “Oh my God, Jane! Are you okay? What were you thinking? You could have gotten—”

“Babe, _literally_ trained for this.” Jane said sarcastically albeit with a sweet kiss to her wife’s worried brow. “But I’m okay. Didn’t me to scare you.” The doctor sighed, rolling her eyes, but leaned into her wife anyway.

“That’s what I’m saying,” Korsak interrupted. “You’ve already been trained. It would be an easy transition.”

“What would?” Maura asked.

“I think Jane should come work with me,” Korsak said.

“Really?” Maura looked at the smiling detective before switching her attention to the soldier. “Jane?”

“No, look. I—” Jane tapped her foot nervously. “I really appreciate what your trying to do for me—”

“ _Trying to do for you_?” Korsak said. “That was a completely selfish offer. I wasn’t kidding when I said I’m getting too old.” 

“I don’t think I want to be a beat cop.”

“I was talking about becoming a Detective, Rizzoli. You’ve got way too much experience to be writing parking tickets, First Sergeant.” The detective’s eyes were shinning as he spoke and Jane almost felt excitement at his words. “Just…think about it. You know where to find me.”

The tall soldier clenched her jaw and smiled tightly. “Yeah, I’ll think about it.”

“Good…See you Dr. Isles,” he said nodding to Maura and moving over to his car.

When he turned the siren off and merged into traffic, Jane could feel the heat of Maura’s stare. She looked over and could see the small bit of apprehension in her wife’s smile. “Are you really going to think about it?”

Jane rolled her shoulders and looked away. The chase had made her feel something. She couldn’t lie about that. Biting her lip to contain her smile, she pulled on Maura’s shoulder to get them moving again. “Yeah…maybe.”

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

* * *

Maura watched somewhat transfixed as the soap suds rolled between her fingers and down the glass in her hand. The water was hot, almost unbearably so and a small smile grew as she thought of the times Jane had attempted to help her with the dishes. "Maura, you're gonna burn your skin off! How can you stand it that hot?"

The truth was she generally liked things warmer. Weather, foods, clothes, the temperature in the house. That was something that took them a very long time to figure out when they moved in together five years ago. Jane liked to run the AC far too low and Maura couldn't get comfortable enough to sleep. Talking to Jane about it didn't really work, but sticking her freezing toes under the soldier's thigh night after night, finally got her attention. They'd settled the temperature in the house at a constant 72 degrees and a promise that Maura could cuddle Jane anytime she got cold. Her wife really was like a heater, her body heat enough to warm Maura almost instantly.

"What is so funny dear?"

"Nothing." Maura laughed out loud again, running the glass under the water before placing it on the drying wrack. Turning the water off, she paused for a moment and looked to the windowsill ahead of her where she'd placed her phone. "Mother, do you prefer to be cold or hot?"

Constance squinted her eyes and moved closer to the screen. Her mother still hadn't quite gotten the hang of facetime and Maura chuckled at only being able to see her eyes and forehead. "Hot, definitely," she said leaning back. "You're father however is a heater of sorts. I always stick my cold feet under him at night and he says it's absolutely dreadful."

Maura rolled her eyes. "Jane's the same way. She says that if my feet are cold I should just wear socks."

They both laughed and as it waned, Constance moved her head around as if surveying the room. She moved closer to the screen and said in a hushed tone, "How is she? You've been talking more, yes?"

The doctor's eyes jumped to the staircase then back to her phone. "We're doing better…I think."

"You think?"

"No, we…We're doing much better. She's opening up to me more and more everyday."

"That's something," said Constance.

"And her flashbacks aren't lasting as long as they usually do," Maura said reaching over to dry her hands on the towel.

"That's fantastic," Constance said smiling and placing one of her hands over her heart. "And you?"

"Me what?"

"…you're nightmares, dear."

Maura's blonde hair whipped to the side as she looked up the stairs again to ensure their bedroom door was still closed. She let out a long breath and shook her head. "Mother, we can't talk about this over facetime."

Constance paused as they both stared at each other. Finally, recognition crinkled her brow and she sat up. "You still haven't told her about your ptsd?"

"It's hardly anything—"

"It is absolutely _something_ , Maura."

"And why should I?" she said in exasperation. "I mean she already has so much on her plate—"

"The nightmare's, the anxiety…the episodes. The time Angela had to peal you off of your own kitchen floor—"

"Mother—"

"Maura. You need to tell her."

"And how would that be of any help to anyone?" she said moving closer to the screen.

"It might be helpful to know that she's not alone. I'm absolutely positive that Jane would want to know that her _wife_ is hurting."

Maura's mouth fell open. She didn't know what to say. The door upstairs creaked open and she could see a smile pulling at the corners of her mother's mouth at the heavy footsteps clambering down the wooden steps. She didn't look behind her as she was still in thought about what her mother had said. She felt two arms wrap around her and pull her back.

"I didn't know you were talking to your Mom," her wife's smooth voice filtered through her hair and up to her ear. "Hi, Constance. How are you?" she said looking up.

"I'm wonderful, Jane. Thanks for asking! And you?" She shouted.

Jane chuckled at the woman's unnecessarily loud greeting and pulled Maura, tighter. "I'm good."

"Delightful." The birds chirping outside served as the only noise in the room for a long moment before Constance checked her watch. "Well, I should be going. I'm having lunch with a friend in a bit. Take care, Jane."

"Yeah, you too. We'll see you at Tommy's wedding next week and then you're staying till Christmas, right?"

"Yes, yes of course. I can't wait. I'll talk to you later, Maura?" Clearing her throat, Maura nodded and placed her hands around Jane's. "Alright. I love you both. Ciao."

"Ciao," Maura whispered as she leaned forward to end the call. She closed her eyes for a moment and leaned back into Jane. With her eyes closed she found herself further sinking into the warmth of Jane's embrace. The doctor had been thinking a lot lately. Checking in with herself more. Her soldier had been home for three months now and she really didn't know that much about what had happened to her wife.

At first, she felt terrible for how desperately she wanted to drag the truth out of her. So she'd given her time. And then more time. And some more time. But Maura was beginning to wonder how much longer she could or should wait before fully confronting her wife about it. She just wanted everything to go back to normal…or as normal as they could, but lately she'd been feeling stuck. Like her ears were always straining to hear any clue to her wife's abrupt discharge and consequent depression.

As her wife says, Maura is a genius though it didn't take one to figure out that something had went terribly, terribly wrong. After facing the truth that she needed to know what happened, she began putting together some of the clues that her wife had either let slip or freely given.

_They gave me a medal when I was discharged…You're not the one who had a deranged man, someone who was supposed to be on your side, have your back…Have you ever had to look someone in the face while they drove fucking knives through your hands…I stayed with Frost for a little while. The trial only took a few weeks…I wasn't paying attention. I wasn't expecting it. Stupid. I should never have put my gun down… Janie your not good enough for her. She needs a real man…Maura I had to stop him to get to you._

Jane said that he was her superior. Charles Hoyt. Some obsession had grown and he'd tried to kill her which explained the scars on her hands. What she had to do with it was still a mystery and what became of him was also knocking at the back of her mind. In a fury, the soldier had blurted that there had been a trial of some sort after the incident. _Oh, Jane. Why won't you just tell me?_

"Jane?" Maura said leaning away a little from the soldier's mouth on her neck. "May I ask you a question?"

"Hmm?" She said leaning back as her wife turned around to face her.

"I was wondering—" Maura paused, looking Jane over. She was wearing a dark suit, the pants perfectly tailored to fit her long legs snugly. A light grey button up shirt complimented her dark grey tie and the cuff links on her black blazer. Maura swallowed briefly, then continued. "Where…where are you going?"

"You like?" Jane said with a crooked smile gesturing down to her clothes.

"Well,"Maura said pulling at the lapels of her wife's blazer. "I do, but what's the occasion?"

"I'm going down to speak to Detective Korsak."

Maura's eyes followed her as she went about the kitchen making coffee and looking through her wallet. "What…for?" Jane gave her a look over her shoulder, then turned back around.

"Job."

The doctor paused in surprise for a moment not really knowing what to say. "A job," she said swallowing her growing agitation and turning to face her wife. "And…you decided this without me?"

Jane turned to her slowly pouring coffee in a to-go mug. "I haven't _decided_ anything yet."

"Really?" She took in her wife's clothes again and furrowed her eyebrows. "It seems like you have."

"Well, I haven't." The brunette chuckled humorlessly and placed her mug down on the pristine counter top a little harder than she'd meant to. "What's the matter with you anyway? I thought you wanted me to take the job."

And maybe she had…in the beginning. Seeing Jane sprint down the street to apprehend a suspect for an officer she knew nothing about was somewhat thrilling in the moment. But it had also been something else that Maura could only guess was the cause of her seemingly abrupt and irrational anger.

"We didn't…I never said I wanted you to take the job, Jane! I merely asked you if you planned to think about the prospect of becoming a homicide detective." Maura shifted on her feet and crossed her arms. She certainly heard herself, but wasn't quite sure where it was coming from and how to stop it. "I never said that I wanted you to go risk your life again just to go play soldier."

That got Jane's attention and she whip around so suddenly that Maura rocked back on her heels a little startled. She was breathing heavily from everything that had just came out of her mouth. She knew that saying it was wrong, but she felt justified in her fears. That's why she silently stood her ground as her wife stared at her for almost a full minute. Her features dark with surprised anger and tinged with hurt.

After another dreadfully silent moment, Maura took a deep breath and bent her arms at the elbow, palms facing Jane in surrender. "Okay," the doctor said. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to sound—"

"Well it did," Jane said barely moving her mouth.

"Jane, I'm—"

"You know—" Jane took a shaky breath and ran her fingers through her hair. "I'm just gonna pretend you did _not_ just say that to me, Mo." Maura wasn't sure what caused her body to sag at the sound of the nickname Jane scarcely used for her. Maybe it was guilt; especially, when she knew Jane only called her _Mo_ when she was trying extremely hard to keep herself in one piece. She'd completely freeze with the exertion of trying to hold something back. "And I don't want to fight with you." Maura didn't say a word until Jane was grabbing her things and walking slowly to the door.

"Jane." The doctor reached out for her wife's hand just barely missing it, but the brunette stopped, her face still directed at the door. "Sweetheart," she said lowly. "I need you to know that I didn't mean what I said. I know how brave and strong you are and I'm proud of the work you've done. I…I love you so much."

Grabbing the handle of the front door and twisting the nob quickly Jane rolled her shoulders. She turned to her wife and without looking in her eyes placed a small kiss on her forehead. "I know, Mo. I love you."

When she pulled away she nodded with a tight smile, before turning around and leaving out of the door.

Why had she spun out like that? Saying that all Jane wanted was to play toy soldier again, had never even crossed her mind before it was flying out of her mouth. This tension was breaking them down. She could feel it. It wasn't the type of discourse that Maura believed would cause her to ever stop loving the woman…but it wasn't healthy. It had never taken them this long to get back into the rhythm, but this time it was like they couldn't find the beat at all. When Jane was first discharged, it was like their honeymoon all over again. Now it seemed that stage was wearing thin and Maura didn't know what she would do next if her and Jane didn't have a serious conversation. Soon.

This troubled her through the rest of the day, where she snapped at a few of her employees, almost labeled the wrong evidence bag and lost count of how many times she'd shown up in the bullpen without a reason other than to see if her wife was present. Even now she wasn't paying much attention to the pink, green and blue balloons taped to the wall or the women shrieking with laughter as yet another sexual gag gift was gawked at and passed around from bridesmaid to bridesmaid. She and Jane hadn't seen or talked to each other since this morning. When Maura got home from work, it was to see that Jane rode with Frankie to Tommy's bachelor party, leaving her to drive to Lydia's bachelorette party alone. Not a note. Not a text until she was two hours into dildo lollipops, first time stories and truth or dare.

Maura looked down to her phone for the eighth time that night to see Jane's name on her lock screen. She quickly swiped it open, her tongue dry and heart speeding up in anticipation.

**_Don't mean to rush you, but I'm over this and Frankie wants to stay. Was wondering if you'd pick me up from the Robber on your way home._ **

The blonde's fingers danced over the screen for a moment, thinking of what to say, but she was brought out of her thoughts by a very close and very loud Lydia. "Maura! Hey, Maura, it's your turn," she said in her thick accent that was both endearing and sometimes hard for Maura to understand.

"Oh. Actually, I was just on my way out. I have to pick up Jane—"

"How is that going by the way?" Maura turned to the woman who's name she didn't know but was unmistakably from Lydia's side of the family. "I hear she just got home from Saudia Arabia—"

"Iraq,"Maura said. The woman didn't seem to hear or care.

"She's not gone all…ya know," the doctor could feel the skin around her neck become hot as the woman circled her pointer finger around her head.

"Becca, that's rude! You don't just ask people that," Lydia shouted. Maura however just pursed her lips, eyes slightly narrowed.

"No, it's okay, Lydia. Jane and I are fine."

"When you twos having a baby?"asked Lydia's mother milling around the dessert table.

"We haven't really discussed it lately—"

"But you want children. Don't you Maura?" said Lydia's mother coming closer.

"Of course, but—"

Lydia gasped loudly bringing her hands over her mouth and then down to her own growing belly. "Does _Jane_ not want children?"

Before Maura could even think to reply, Angela yelled from the kitchen, "Oh, yes she does!"

The doctor's mouth fell open, everyone's attention completely on her. "Yes," she said swallowing after a moment. "Jane and I both want children. It…It's just not the right time right now."

"That's a smart girl," said Lydia's mother, finally taking her seat next to the bride-to-be. "Kids…they suck the life right out of you."

There was a contemplative wave that coasted over all the mothers in the room. A younger woman cleared her throat and looked at Maura. "Um, I think it's your turn. Truth or Dare."

Maura's previous plan of staying silent so she didn't have to play was obviously ruined and in the beginning, she thought Dare was her best bet. Then again after seeing Lydia's grandmother flash the neighbors, Maura thought better of that avenue as well.

"Truth."

"Ooh! I got one!" said Becca making Maura clench her teeth so hard it hurt her jaw. "Best sex you every had."

"That's not a question," said the younger woman.

"Fine… _What_ is the best sex you ever had?" The younger woman just rolled her eyes and took a sip of her drink. No one else seemed to think this was an inappropriate question to ask and indeed not the way one plays Truth or Dare. They all sat, still and waiting for Maura's answer.

"Well, it…" Maura took a second. Was she really about to say this in front of a room full of women, most of whom she'd met here? "It was right before Jane left for her last tour. We thought that she would never get called back and when she told me….I just kind of lost it and…"

Jane looked back at her phone and internally groaned. She knew Maura was mad at her but it had been almost 45 minutes since she'd texted her. Jane hand't called Maura all day, giving them both time to cool off. After she'd left the house, she didn't know quite where she was going. What Maura said to her was hurtful, but it wasn't as if she hadn't made a good point. Hopping out of one danger zone and into another potentially dangerous one was not part of Jane's job search in the least.

But being apart of an impromptu take down had made her feel something that she hadn't in a while. Confident. Strong. Herself. It wasn't like she was sure she wanted to pursue becoming a detective. She hadn't even spoken to Korsak yet. After what seemed like an acceptable amount of time for her wife to have left for work, Jane went home, trading her suit for sweatpants and researched ex-military personnel who went into law enforcement. For some it was a great fit. Just the thing they needed, but for others it was a nightmarish experiment.

Jane didn't know what she wanted to do about the job, but she knew she couldn't be talked out of it because of fear. She just needed Maura to understand that this might actually help her in some way.

"Hellloo…earth to Rizzoli." Jane caught the hand waving in front of her face and pushed it away.

"What," she said gruffly, taking another look at her phone as her vision began to swim from the alcohol.

"You know what," said Tommy from beside her.

Not even looking up Jane said, "I'm not answering that."

"Janie, come on. It's called truth, dare or drink," said Frankie as if it had pained him to impose.

Jane shrugged her shoulders. "Then give me a dare."

"Nope. You had your chance, Rizzoli, and you picked truth. So you have t—"

"Fine…" she said swiping her hand through the air. "It was before I left for my third tour."

All of the guys looked at each other eagerly, albeit Frankie who looked like he wanted to be swallowed up by a dark hole. "And…"

"And nothing pervert," she said to a guy in the back.

"You have to tell us," retorted another.

Jane sat up placing her hands on her knees. "No I don't. That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works."

"No, no," said Tommy, sloppily wrapping his arm around his sister's shoulders. "You know the rules. Answer the question fully or you have to chug it."

The soldier rolled her eyes and moved from underneath his sweaty arm. Jane had already chugged four shots and a beer for refusing to do dares. She was already feeling pleasantly buzzed and so staring at them, she took the bottle from the table and took three large gulps.

"There." Placing it back down hard on the table, Jane masked her features as the liquid burned all the way down her throat and settled in her stomach. "Is that enough to get me out of the next three rounds?"

They all burst with laughter, the guy in the back shouting, "You're scary, Rizzoli! You know that?" To which Jane simply shrugged.

"Alright. Who's next?" Jane slumped down in her seat as the guys continued their little game. She was just about to step outside to call Maura, when she got a text saying the woman was outside. She clapped Tommy on the back, saying good night and stepped out into the winter air to see the Mercedes parked a few feet away.

"What took you so long?"

Jane asked, uncoordinatedly falling into the passenger seat and buckling in. She missed the small smirk on her wife's face as she said softly, "Have you been drinking?"

"Yeah, everyone was," Jane said a bit defensively, sticking out her bottom lip. "God, Maura you wouldn't believe how stupid those games were. We played truth, dare or drink like college freshmen. I was not about to run around in the snow with my pants on top of my head, so I took like…I don't know…like a lot of shot, so…" She tapered off as the sound of her wife laughing overtook her voice. Jane's lips curled into a smile even though she tried to pout. "Don't laugh at me! I'm not as young as I used to be and I'm….definitely gonna feel this in the morning."

"Why didn't you just say no?"

"Babe, that's not how it works. You have to do the thing or drink and they asked some pretty annoying questions."

"Well," Maura said stopping at a red light and looking over to her poor wife who'd reclined the seat as far back as it would go. "The women were quite crude as well."

"Yeah, but—" Jane snorted, lulling her head to the side. "Probably not as bad as the guys, right?" A subtle blush crept it's way up the doctor's neck and Jane's mouth gaped open. "Okay, see. Now I have to know what they asked you."

Maura hesitated for a moment, causing the car behind her to honk. Once she got moving she took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. "They asked me what was the best sex I've ever had." She wished she could see the look on her wife's face. Maura was sure there would be a slight reddening from both the topic and the alcohol.

"W-What…uh…what'd you say?"

"Do you remember when you told me you were being deployed for the third time?"

Jane blinked in disbelief that not only had they been asked the same question at the different wedding showers, but also gave the same exact answer. "Yeah."

"And the way," Maura's voice was more of a hum that could barely be heard over the sound of the street. "The way I was so angry, wouldn't listen to anything you said and you just sort of…grabbed me and…"

"Hm," Jane hummed sliding her left hand onto her wife's thigh. The doctor clutched the wheel of the car as she turned down their street. "Yeah, no I don't really remember that."

"Really?" Maura asked in surprise.

Biting her lip, Jane shook her head, using her other hand to let the seat up. "Nope,"she said with a pop. "You could remind me, though."

A well timed squeeze to her thigh, caused Maura to stop the car abruptly as they pulled into the driveway and she turned to read the expression on her wife's face. She relaxed, smirking then letting out a breath of air that was closer to a laugh. "Oh, I see."

"We can even start in the car if you'd like."

"Jane—"

"We just gotta let your seat back a little," Jane huffed reaching across Maura for the lever on her seat.

Maura chuckled again, placing her hands on Jane's chest, not pushing. "Honey, you're drunk."

"No, M'not."

"Yes," Maura said, though she wasn't quite sure if it was to Jane's denial or the tongue against her neck. "You are."

"I'm not, " Jane said pulling away, to direct her hand underneath the doctors dress. "If I were…why would that be a problem when I'm so close to your—"

"Because," Maura said, succeeding in pushing Jane's hand back to her knee. "I am sober."

Jane scoffed. "You were sober _last time_ , too."

Maura blinked and then shook her head. "First of all, you said you didn't _remember_ last time. Second of all we were both sober so how does that logic translate to now—"

"Mauraaaa," Jane groaned sinking down in her seat and putting her head against the window. "You're making my head hurt."

Maura quietly laughed and leaned over to unbuckle her wife's seat belt. "How about we just get you in the house?"

"Fine," Jane said with a hint of amusement.

Once they'd made it in the house and up the stairs to their room (Jane holding onto the railing), she noticed that her wife was a tad bit quiet. Jane cleared her throat and said, "Something the matter?"

Maura shook her head, taking off her heels and placing them carelessly near the closet door. "No, I'm fine," she answered with her eyes gazing at the ground. Jane walked over bumping against the edge of the bed on accident to place her hands on the doctor's waist and pull her closer.

"Something's wrong. Are you still mad at me or something?" Maura could feel warmth spread throughout her chest and her breathing change as the soldier whispered words into her ear, pressing their entire bodies together.

"I'm not—" Maura swallowed, the sound of her zipper being undone temporarily stopping her thoughts. "I'm not upset with you, I just need—….Jane."

"You're mad at me and you want me to stop?"

"Yes—"

"Yes?"

"I mean, no."

"No you're not mad at me or no you don't want me to stop."

"I…" Jane's hands were all over and at some point her dress had pooled around her feet. She was standing in her underwear with Jane's soft lips and somewhat sloppy kisses now trailing from her neck to her chest. She pulled back to no avail and with just a bit more force than she'd intended or expect, placed her hands on the soldier's chest and pushed.

Jane, in her already inebriated state, fell back onto the bed.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—" Maura stopped short at the expression on Jane's face. For a second, she looked perplexed. She shook her head and her confusion had morphed into irritation.

"So that's a no, you're _not_ mad at me and a _yes_ , you want me to stop."

Maura shifted on her feet, suddenly embarrassed to be this exposed without realizing it was even happening. A small shy smile graced her lips and she nodded her head subtly. "Correct."

Jane sat up, pushing her hands through her tangled locs and looked about the room for a moment. Her brown eyes traced up Maura's naked legs before a sudden grin spread across her face. "God," she said biting her lip. The doctor could feel an inexplicable blush appear and she tilted her head to the left. "You're gorgeous. D'you know that?"

"Jane."

"Alright, alright." The soldier raised her hands in surrender. She got up and was almost pass the threshold of their bedroom when her wife inquired as to where she thought she was going. "Down to the basement," she said. "Gonna go hit the ole bag around, unless…unless you can think of other ways to expel my energy."

Placing one hand over her face Maura sighed. Sometimes it was maddeningly cute when Jane was in this state. Usually she got giddy and clingy when she was intoxicated. Something Maura was grateful for. Too often she had read about veterans drowning their sorrows in alcohol, but never Jane. They'd never had to have that conversation, because instead of drinking herself into oblivion, she preferred to bottle things up until she could get to her basement. Maura thought that might not be particularly healthy, especially considering that they were on their fourth punching bag, but at least she wasn't hurting anyone or herself. Baby steps after all. Feeling slightly uplifted by Jane's spout of joy, considering their argument this morning, Maura bounded up to stand beside Jane.

"Would you mind if I joined you?"

The soldier raised her eyebrows and faced her wife fully. "You mean downstairs?" At the doctor's nod, she smirked and said, "That's a little kinky even for you, Dr. Isles."

"You know what I mean," she laughed, lightly slapping Jane's arm. "And who knows. Maybe I'll get riled up enough to recreate that night."

Looking Maura up and down, Jane started backing out of the room. "You're on." Maura's smile brightened in excitement. Everything in the last few weeks had been filled with so much suspense and seriousness that Maura couldn't help her pulse speeding up at the reprieve and the remnants of challenge in Jane's tone. She, however stopped abruptly at the brunette's hand against her shoulder. "You gotta put on some clothes first, babe."


	9. Chapter 9

_Pop_

_Pop_

_Pop._

_Jane’s arm stilled, the iron rod that she was prodding the fire with to keep it going bobbed weightlessly in the smoky air above the fire pit. The popping of the firewood reminded her of the three, sharp sounds that had placed her here, alone in the middle of the snowy night in her back yard with three hours until Christmas was over. It was the three sounds that caused her wife to go almost hoarse from shouting. The three sounds that rattled so violently inside her body that she couldn’t bring herself to ask her wife to dance at Tommy’s wedding yesterday. The three hollow noises that caused her wife to weep so openly three days ago in front of her parents in fear, wondering ideas, relief…. mistrust. The three little, quiet noises that started the domino affect of the most hellish three days of their entire relationship. Three noises._

_Knock_

_Knock_

_Knock._

 

* * *

 

**[231647QDEC17]**

**[FRIDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2017 4:47 P.M.]**

 

Knock

Knock

Knock.

 

                Maura leaned over the kitchen island to pause the lo-fi music coming from her phone and playing softly through the speakers in the house. One hand wrapped around a half empty glass of red wine led the way to the door. Peaking past the curtain of the front door, Maura took a quick involuntary gulp of air and placed the wine down on the side table. Even though she knew her wife was not home, the instinctive impulse to call out to Jane was barely tampered as she looked around for her. Maura sighed reaching up to place her finger tips against her brow. The room was spinning slightly, so the doctor shook her head and took a deep breath. _He must have the wrong house. She’s okay. She’s okay._

                “Hello, can I help you?” asked Maura as she swung the door open to reveal a soldier. She could tell that he was either new or important by the lack of wear to his uniform, and the lighter tone of his face.

                “Good morning, Ma’am. My name is Lieutenant Colonel Casey Jones. Is First Sergeant Jane Rizzoli-Isles here?”

                The doctor watched him say this with his back rod-straight and a white envelope clasped in both hands behind his back. Though she hadn’t moved a muscle she could feel herself sway when Jane’s title slipped out of his mouth toward her. The doctor’s head dropped a bit and she shook her head closing her eyes.

                “No?” he asked looking over Maura, before leaning back a bit to check the numbers on the house. “Did she move, or do you mean she’s not here right now?”

                “She’s…” Maura started quietly… _okay…She’s okay._ “She lives here, but….” Maura straightened in the door way coming to realize she’d slouched unknowingly against the entry way. “She’s not here right now. I’m her wife Maura Rizzoli-Isles.”

                “The doctor,” he whispered as recognition colored his features. But just for a second Maura could see other emotions. She was certainly no expert in reading people, but she’d studied the muscles of the face and how they connect with human emotion. Particularly and in that small moment—shock, sadness, then pity.

                “Is there something I can help you with, Lieutenant Jones?”

                “Oh, um,” he jerked his hand forward as if he had forgotten it was back there. “You can tell First Sergeant Rizzoli-Isles, that her worries are over because we got her.”

                “Got her?” Maura posed as she took the envelop between her fingers.

                “The apprentice. I hope this brings both of you some peace of mind, ma’am,” he said nodding at her as he turned and walked back out to the top of the driveway to get into his black SUV.

                She watched him back out and turn the corner before she closed the door on the cold wind of the holiday air. Not sparing a glance for the glass of wine, Maura made her way to the living room, sitting in the middle of the couch with the envelope in her lap. She put one finger under her chin, before moving it up between her teeth. The letter was addressed to Jane. She couldn’t open it without Jane knowing even if her conscience allowed it. She looked at the clock above the mantle. Any moment now, Jane would be home, and she wanted to talk to her about this. What did he mean by The Apprentice? Who’s apprentice? What did they do and how did this affect her wife? Did they…hurt her?

                Yes. When Jane got home they would talk about this. But as she heard the heavy thud of one door closing, closely followed by another and another, her heart dropped. In all the dizzying glory of the last ten minutes, Maura had forgotten why Jane had left the house and drove forty-five minutes in the snow in the first place. Quickly moving to shove the envelope in one of the kitchen drawers, Maura turned around to see her wife somehow opening the door with her thumb, suitcases under each arm and her mother and father’s shinning faces peaking from behind her.

                “Jane, I told you, at the very least I could have gotten the door for you,” said Richard.

                “Nope. Got it,” Jane grunted playfully between her teeth clenched around Constance’s clutch.

                “Oh, don’t bother, Richard,” Constance joined. “I’ve been here three times before and it’s really no use at this point.” They all chuckled as Maura came into the foyer. “Maura!” her mother smiled, coming up to hug her. Her father embraced them both, while Jane continued to carry the bags to the guest house on the side of their home. “How are you, darling?” She said upon pulling back to see her daughter’s face. “Are you alright?”

                “I’m fine,” Maura said mustering a smile. “How are you? How was the flight?” she tried to deflect, though both her parents could tell.

                When her parents were settled in that evening after dinner and Jane had crawled into bed with her and wrapped her up in her arms tightly pulling her in, Maura’s mind was still whirling. Talk of the wedding and the following Christmas Day plans had taken up most of the evening and dinner and when they were alone, Jane could think of nothing but the speech she was to give at the wedding reception. She should have come right out with it. Interrupted Jane in the middle of her memories of pretending not to know who Tommy was when they were children and the first time she had to bail him out of jail and questioned her wife about the nagging fear and anger. But she just couldn’t, because she was still somewhat frozen with questions and trying to wrap her mind around it. When Jane probed her about her strange behavior she only responded by saying she was lost in thought. But now those thoughts were getting to be too much.

                Maura reached down to the arm around her waist and gently pulled it up and away. She was almost out of the bed, feet firmly planted on the warm, carpeted floor when a head of dark, curly hair moved around. Jane stretched as Maura held her breath. When it seemed the soldier had settled, she continued, pulling on her robe and slipping out of the bedroom.

                A fleeting thought struck her that the envelope hidden away was taunting her as her feet moved down the stairs quietly and straight to the kitchen drawer that held answers. Maura swiftly grabbed the letter, her finger sliding quickly under the closure flap releasing the small tearing sound into the air. Determined not to second guess her actions, she unfolded the paper and read.

_First Sgt. Jane Clementine Rizzoli-Isles,_

_We are contacting you to inform you of the recent development in your case. Former Private First-Class Emily Stern, apprentice of Former Sergeant Major Charles Hoyt, has been apprehended. Thanks to your strength, bravery and the informative statement after your retrieval, we found her twenty miles away from your former barracks station. It is with confidence that we’d like to share the news of her capture. Thank you for you help in this effort and for serving your country._

_We here at the United State Army would like to extend to you well wishes for your full recovery. God bless you and your family, and God bless America._

_Casey J. Jones_

_Lieutenant Colonel, US Army_

_Commanding_

 

                _Maura._ She stared at the official US Military seal at the top of the letter. _Maura are you okay?_ Captured. Apprentice. Charles Hoyt. _What are you reading?_ Charles Hoyt. Your retrieval.

                “Maura, let me see that.”

                “Wait—” Maura’s eyes followed the white paper slipping from her hand into her mother’s.

                “Oh,” she exhaled as her eyes scanned the words. Constance appeared to be reading it through a second time when she covered her mouth with one hand. “Maura.”

                “She was taken…she—she was abducted,” Maura stuttered out.

                “My god,” Constance whispered reading the letter through again.

                “She…” Constance looked up to her daughter, her face red with emotion and tears squeezing out of her closed eyes. Finally, the doctor opened her eyes. “I…Mama—”

                “Sweetheart.” Constance pulled her daughter into an embrace so tight that it hurt. But she didn’t care. She buried her tears in her mother’s silk pajama shirt. The older woman placed her hand on the sides of her daughter’s head to kiss her hair, grip so securing and tight that she didn’t hear the door leading to the guest house opening.

                “What’s going on here?” Maura did not look up at the sound of her father’s deep voice. Her grip on her mother doubled as the warm hand of her father landed on her shoulder. Without letting go of her daughter, Constance passed him the letter which he read silently.

                “Hmm,” he said squinting his eyes without his reading glasses. “Has Jane seen this?”

                “Well, if it evokes that reaction, I’m gonna go with no.” Maura gasped, grabbed the letter out of Richard’s hand and putting it behind her back as she turned away from her mother for the first time in five minutes. Jane stood next to the fridge pulling at her sleeping shorts and tank top. “What’s this?” She asked stepping forward and reaching out her hand.

                “It’s nothing. Jane…we should really talk about—”

                “Is that what you guys are doing…talking?” She stared at her wife. She finally glanced down to the envelop that was on the counter, mockingly open and empty. Maura could see the grooves in her wife’s jaw muscle as Jane clenched her teeth twice. “Sure doesn’t seem like _nothing_ …what with the official United State Army seal right on the front of it.” Letting her hand hover above the envelop for a moment she sighed loudly through her nose and flipped the envelope over. Jane closed her eyes. “You opened…my mail?”

                “Jane—” Constance sliding her foot across the floor to take a step forward.

                “You opened my mail, Maura.” Jane righted herself and successfully retrieved the letter. Her dark eyes jumped from line to line until they stopped. Everything stopped. Constance stopped breathing, Richard stopped blinking, and Maura wasn’t quite sure how much longer it would be before her legs stopped holding up her weight. “I…okay…okay, yeah,” Jane said running both hands through her hair, the letter getting caught in her curls. “I’m dreaming. Definitely.”

                “What?” Maura said her eyebrows tilting down in an eerie confusion.

                “You know, the terrifying one where you think the entire time that your life is going well. I mean it’s not great, but your making progress with your life and your wife and your family, maybe a new career because your wife understands you and she loves you more than you could ever even love yourself.”

                “Please, let’s—” Maura tried.

                “But then midway through this amazing dream, your wife…your intelligent, understanding, goddess wife decides to turn into a secretive thief who steals your shit and tattles to her parents about her terrible fucking wife.”

                “It wasn’t like that, Jay. I just—”

                “Oh, it’s not like that? That’s _not_ what I just walked in on? Good, because that would be a nightmare, Maura.”

                “Jane—”

                “Because THAT would be a fucking nightmare!” Jane slammed the letter in her hand down loudly, ignoring the hot pain that rattled up her wrist.

                No one said anything for an uncomfortable stretch. Neither Maura nor her parents moved as they all watched Jane standing with her eyes focused on the crinkled paper under her left hand. Richard placed his hand on his wife’s shoulder. “Maybe we should give them some time alone.”

                “No, you know what?” Jane stood, her hands raised in exhaustion and looked straight into her wife’s eyes. “Maybe I’ll give you guys some alone time. It’s obvious that I interrupted an Isles Family moment where you all discuss things that you have no clue about. So, I’ll give you two a moment alone with my wonderful wife.”

                The doctor looked at her wife with her mouth open. Never had Jane spoken to her parents like this. Maura scoffed. “Why are you being like this?” An unnerving chuckle escaped Jane and ran down Maura’s spine. “I opened your mail and I read the letter, but this has nothing to do with them. They just happened to—”

                “You should have come to me, Mo,” Jane said lowly.

                Constance spoke up. “We really weren’t conspiring behind your back, Jane.”

                “You should have come to me,” Jane repeated louder. “I can’t…I can’t do this right now,” she continued, turning away.

                “Right,” Maura laughed at Jane’s back. “No, see, _that’s_ the problem. _I can’t do this right now._ When _can_ you do this, Jane? Because, as you can see,” she said gesturing down to the envelop, “I’m getting a little desperate.”

                “Maura,” Jane said closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. “I _will not_ —”

                “Exactly. It’s not that you can’t. It’s that you just won’t, Jane.” The soldier snapped her eyes open at the soft whimper that escaped her wife in time to see her jerk her hand up to her mouth to hold in everything else. “Why won’t you just tell me? I don’t understand, are you embarrassed? What in the hell happened that you can’t tell me?” she whispered.

                Jane’s shoulder’s deflated as her wife’s shoulders jumped in another, louder sob. The wet sound of Maura’s tears caught in her throat was the only thing moving in the room. Jane looked off to the side and slid her hand over face. “Constance, Richard…I’m sorry. This was supposed to be a nice few days, but this is just…” she took the letter, crinkling it in her hand and threw it toward the sink. “A mess.”

                “So, this is my f-fault?” Maura spoke up as her wife continued to look out the kitchen window. “I was the one who opened your letter and read it and let my parents read it and now your upset and I’m sorry. Okay? I am _sorry_ …but that doesn’t give you the right to behave like this or act the way you’ve been acting.”

                “And how have I been acting, Maura?”

                “Like you don’t care.”

                “Are you kidding—”

                “About me!” she yelled. The doctor could feel her mother step behind her with an encouraging hand on her back. She sniffled and when she spoke Jane had to step forward to hear her. “Your first tour was fine. I was terrified but then you came back to me…but then you left again, and I started having dreams. About you. Being hurt or…” Jane could feel her heart sink all the way to the bottom of her stomach and then to her feet as her wife continued to cry. “Then there were the anxiety attacks. Nearly a month where I couldn’t answer the phone from any unknown number. It was terrifying to think that you were thousands of miles away from me and I wouldn’t know if you were dead until hours later. It was paralyzing, Jane.”

                The soldier looked down to her feet, suddenly ashamed of her outburst earlier. “I didn’t know.”

                “Yes, well,” she paused. “I’m sorry. I know it must be hypocritical of me to ask for your honesty when I haven’t been completely truthful with you about how I’ve been.”

                “Maura, no. It’s-It’s me. I should’ve—”

                “And I’m sorry for reading the letter that was addressed to you that I knew you wouldn’t want me to see, but…I couldn’t help imaging the worst,” she said standing straighter. “So, from now on I’m going to be completely honest with you,” she said stepping right into Jane’s space. “I’ve had diagnosed anxiety since the first time you were deployed. I have had to call in Medical Examiners from other counties to cover for me, simply because the news that morning mentioned a soldier that had been kidnapped or murder…I couldn’t breathe until the soldier was identified…which sometimes took days.

I’ve had terrible nightmares that all but vanish when your arms are around me and I’ve had episodes so awful that your mother had to help me into the shower.” Jane’s eyebrows rose at the last statement. Here she was, thinking her wife was okay. That as long as she prolonged telling her the truth, Maura was safe and unbothered. She was wrong, and she could feel Maura’s truth pry its way into ever cell in her body, and fester. “Now,” she reached over to the ball of paper and held it up to her wife, “when you’re ready…when you _want_ to talk about this, then let me know…I won’t ask again.”

Maura leaned up as if to kiss Jane but stopped and after a moment of studying her face pulled back. Her hand floated to the scarred one’s in front of her, she squeezed once and then walked away toward the downstairs guest bedroom. The minute air that remained in the kitchen followed Maura out of the room and Jane couldn’t breathe. She didn’t flinch at the inevitable slam of the door, or the look of pure sorrow that crossed Constance’s face as she bowed her head and followed after her daughter. She took a quick glance at Richard’s seemingly unreadable face before bending to place her elbows on the counter, her head in her hands.

                She was right about one thing. This was all a mess. One big fucking mess. She was also wrong about a lot; one of them being that this was anyone’s fault but her own. Righting herself she grabbed both the envelop and the letter and threw them both into the trashcan. She took one step toward the guest bedroom door that she’d heard her mother-in-law close again with a softer click before Richard spoke up.

                “Do you want to go for a walk, Jane?” He asked.

                The soldier turned to him. “What, now?” When he didn’t respond, Jane rubbed the back of her neck. “Listen, I’m really sorry for the way I spoke to you and Constance and…Maura, too. You know that’s not me,” she whispered looking down. “Which is why I have to talk to her. I gotta fix this first—”

                “No,” he said. Then he walked to the door and with steady hands grabbed his jacket from the hook and put it on over his robe. He grabbed Jane’s coat as well, reaching for the door knob and letting the front door swing open. “Walk first,” he said looking at her head on. Though the tone of his voice was smooth, calm and firm something about it made Jane’s shoulder’s tense and her stomach clench. Her eyes dipped low and without uttering another word, she made her way over to him, gently taking her jacket and slipping on her boots. She pulled up her hood as it was still snowing lightly and walked out into the cold night air.

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                            

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this story is still alive as am I. Thanks for sticking around! There aren't very many chapters left and despite this starting out as a one-shot, I didn't intend for it to be quite this angsty haha. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Let me know what you think!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still a little angsty, but enjoy!

****

* * *

_"Stop that."_

_"Kiss my ass."_

_"Again…no." Emily sat behind a desk. The two knives in her hands clanked lightly together as she attempted to sharpen them. She watched the soldier, sitting in a lone chair struggling against the binds that kept her hands around the back of the chair. She sighed again stabbing one of the knives into the wooden desk before getting up and strolling over to Jane. She lazily placed the cold metal underneath the soldier's chin, pressing dangerously against her quick pulse. "Now, if you don't stop," she paused, grabbing the back of Jane's hair and pulling her head back. She took a step closer, finally breaking the dirt and sweat-caked skin of Jane's long neck. "I'm going to slice those pretty little hands up. Do you understand?"_

_Looking into Emily's eyes as best she could from this angle, Jane swallowed once. The soldier leaned forward causing the knife to dig a little deeper as she drew closer, only a few inches from her captor's face. A shocked Emily pulled back on the knife but kept it there. Blinking once, Jane snarled, "Kiss. My. Ass." She said with a tug to her binds._

_Emily smiled. All too happy for an excuse, she reached back, cutting Jane's rope and freeing her hands at the same time she reached for her hand gun and placed it against Jane's head. "Get up." When Jane didn't move, she reached down and yanked at her torn uniform shirt and forced her to the ground. After a blow to the back of the head from the butt of the gun, Jane could feel the toe of Emily's boot dig into her rib cage as she kicked her onto her back. The last thing she saw was Emily twirling the knife in her hand, smiling…her eyes wired and wide. "Remember, Rizzoli…you asked for this." The pain in the palm of her left hand didn't register at all really. The lack of energy in her body was no match for the searing white heat skyrocketing up her arm and she passed out immediately for the first time in three days._

* * *

**[24131QDEC17]**

**[SUNDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2017 1:31 A.M.]**

"I'm not upset with you." Jane looked up from the snow on the sidewalk. Richard wasn't looking at her, but she could tell that he was waiting on her reply.

"You should be," she said softly. The man moved his head a bit to glance at her before looking straight ahead again. "I messed this all up. I don't…I don't know what's wrong with me."

There was only silence in the late-night air as both of their feet crunched against the remains of the winter season. They'd been walking for ten minutes and those were the only words either of them had said since leaving the house. Jane wasn't sure what to say or what her father-in-law was even thinking until he pulled his jacket closer and spoke. "Did you know I was in the Army?"

Jane's head jerked up sharply and there was a small stutter in her step. "Really?"

"Yes."

"Maura never mentioned it."

Shaking his head slightly Richard said, "I don't think she even knows. It was before she was born."

"Oh. Well…hooah, sir."

"Hardly," Richard chuckled. "I twisted my ankle during basic training. Wasn't quite made for it like you." He gave her shoulder a small push and she smiled, relieved. "I was sent home. I don't think they wanted me there anymore than I wanted to be there."

"I'm sure you would've been great—"

"I'm not like you, Jane," he said louder. He crossed the street, knowing she would follow. They were now reaching the end of the road, but Richard continued on toward the back of the neighborhood. "You're brave and strong-willed. I know this all must sound a little strange coming from me considering how little time we've actually spent together, but if there's one thing I know about you, Rizzoli." She looked over to him, waiting for him to continue. "You don't abide by anyone's bullshit."

Despite the cold penetrating her bones through the coat, Jane felt a warm shock from what Richard had said. "Yeah," she agreed sniffling unnecessarily.

"Then, why do you tolerate it from yourself? Because that's what this is. Bullshit."

"Sir—"

"Jane," he interrupted sternly. He stopped, turning to face her. "I won't pretend or even attempt to imagine what you must be going through. It's impossible. What I can do is tell you that when I returned home from my very short stint in the army, Constance was not in survivable state." The soldier burrowed her hands even further into her jacket pockets and let her head hang. "I'd only been gone three weeks and my wife had imagined every _single_ possible scenario in which she'd never see me again."

Biting her lip, Jane looked into his eyes. She could feel guilt nagging at her, unshed tears tingling her nose. "How'd you two make it passed that."

Richard nodded and looked up at the snowflakes falling on his head. "Surprisingly, it took a while. I needed a little time and she needed me…it was hard. But you know something, Jane? We didn't have years of tortured waiting, ptsd, anxiety…pain to way us down. You want to know something else?"

"What?"

"Maura is stronger than her mother. Both of us, really. We raised her to be. And _you_ ," he said placing his finger against Jane's shoulder, "are definitely stronger than me."

"Christ," Jane exhaled, her neck bowing as a tear ran down her cheek and dangled beneath her chin. "I really messed this up. I should have come home and talked to her…no I should have called her the moment I was conscious in the hospital. God, I should have called her the moment he started harassing me. The first time I caught him trying to send her a letter. That's why I stopped writing to her, ya know? He'd write these…sick letters as if they were from me. I just was so fu-messed up in the head. I should have told her about the—"

"Jane," he said putting his hands on his daughter-in-law's shoulders that were beginning to move quicker. "Stop. You don't need to explain to me what happened. Please, I don't want to be another person that knows ahead of your wife." Jane released a quick sob as she brought up her hands, rubbing the tears out of her eyes. "No matter what he said, or what happened…you, Jane Rizzoli-Isles are not weak."

Jane's cries ceased immediately. Her jaw slacked, and her eyes grew as she searched his face. Sometimes, Jane could hear the Hoyt's voice pounding in her head. Even when someone was speaking to her, hell even when she was talking to someone else, it played on a loop every day. Maybe, it had become so loud that other's around her could hear it too.

_She's going to take one look at you and know that you are too broken…too **weak** to love, Janie._

"H-How did you…" Jane let her words drift as she felt Richard's hands squeeze tighter on her shoulders.

After a long moment of nothing more than far off cars and the nightlife of Boston rumbling in the distance, Richard shifted his hands down to clasp onto Jane's hands, balled into fists.

"Communication. Courage. Love," he said running his thumbs across the scars. "That's how Constance and I made it work." Without another word, Richard pulled Jane into a hug pressing his lips briefly to her forehead. "I know my daughter. She's not anything if she isn't understanding and logical," he said laughing a bit. He pulled back and kept one arm slung around her shoulder as he moved forward urging her to begin walking again back toward the house. "Tell her," he said. "Let her show you how strong she _really_ is."

* * *

**[24213QDEC17]**

**[SUNDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2017 9:52 A.M.]**

Jane never thought that she was one for bad timing. When her soldiers needed her in the field, she was there. When a criminal decided to evade Detective Korsak she was there. When Tommy found out his girlfriend was pregnant she, thousands of miles away had a gut instinct to call her little brother just to see how he was doing. She was the first he told and subsequently the first person to tell him that he would be okay and not to run away from his family. Her timing for most things was almost impeccable, but this time, there was not a single moment in which she could talk to her wife about something that she had finally steadied herself to broach.

When she got back home after her talk with Richard, she went to the guest bedroom to talk to her wife. The door was locked and after knocking for a bit, she sighed. Turning around she found her father-in-law right behind her. "Maybe give her a little space. Talk about it in the morning," he'd said. But the morning came and as Jane sat facing the room, her back against the wall, the person who came out of the room wasn't exactly the one she wanted to see.

"Jane," Constance gasped in surprise. "Did you sleep out here all night?"

"No," Jane said shakily rising to her feet. "Well, I've been here all night, but I wasn't sleeping. Is Maura okay?"

Constance considered her for a moment, before closing the door the rest of the way. "She's still asleep."

"Asleep?" Jane said anxiously pulling out her phone to check the time. "It's almost 10."

"She was quite upset last night."

"But we have to be at the church soon," she said as her phone started ringing. Jane took one glance, grimacing at the name before silencing it and sending the caller straight to voicemail. Constance watched her daughter-in-law. Never had she seemed this panicked, her hands shaking slightly and her neck turning a blotchy red. "I need to talk to her before—" The phone in her hand began to ring again and after a long moment of consideration, she answered just before the call timed out. "What's up, Frankie?" Constance could hear him talking loudly over the phone. _Supposed to be here at…where the hell...he's freaking out, Jane…won't listen to me…you have to…_

Jane paced the already pace-warned carpet, nodding and occasionally apologizing. Jane looked back to the closed room where her wife was alone and sighed again, her shoulders sinking. "Alright…I said alright, Frankie goddamn it…yeah… _yes_ , alright. I'm on my way."

"Jane?"

"Yeah, I um," she turned back to Constance. "I have to go," she said painfully as if it was hurting her to leave the spot she'd been inhabiting for hours now. "Tommy's freaking out and Frankie's doesn't know what to do. I was supposed to be there a couple of hours ago, so…" she trailed off still staring at the grey paint of the guest bedroom door. "I gotta get down there. Will you tell Maura that I left to get ready for the wedding and to call me as soon as she wakes up?"

"Of course," she whispered.

"And that I love her. Can you tell her that, please?" Constance felt a sudden heaviness in her body at the expression on Jane's face. She nodded and that was good enough for Jane to take off up the stairs. Constance waited out in the hall until she heard Jane's footsteps thudding quickly down the stairs and out the door with her suit and shoes clutched to her chest. Constance let out a long breath as she turned back to the room and went inside.

"I'm sorry you had to do that."

Constance let her head fall back to the door and looked at her daughter sitting up in bed, her knees pulled up to her chest. "I hate lying to her."

The right corner of Maura's mouth turned up a little. "Me too. But I just didn't have the energy to deal with all this right now."

"She said she loves you," Constance said as she walked over to the bed and sat on the edge.

"I heard her," the doctor said. She relaxed her neck, letting her head fall to her knees. Tilting her head, Constance placed her hand on Maura's knee. "I mean, I know she does…" Maura trailed off at her mother's seemingly misplaced smile. "What?"

"You and I aren't very different, my dear."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, I wanted to tell you this last night, but you weren't up for talking," she nodded to her daughter. Maua took a deep breath and released it willing her body to relax. Her eyes were still tight and red rimmed, and she felt disorientated from everything that had happened until now. After she'd left the kitchen last night, she went into the room nearly collapsing on the bed before the tears started. A moment later when the door opened she was somewhat relieved that it was her mother, but also disappointed that it wasn't her wife. She was so confused, she wasn't sure what to feel. Her mother wrapped her up in her arms and they stayed that way until a few rejected phone calls and restlessness, agitated pacing outside the door roused them.

"We never told you this, but your father was in the Army for a bit before he was sent home."

Maura's spine straightened with an uncomfortable tingle. "Is he…did something happen to him?"

"Oh, don't worry. He only twisted his ankle," she said chuckling. Maura did not. "My point is that when he came home I was relieved in the most splendid way. I cannot imagine how you made it through three tours with Jane."

The doctor took a moment to consider this as she rubbed the comforter between two of her fingers and looked out the window. "It was so incredibly difficult, Mother. I was constantly worried and…I don't know. I don't know what to make of any of this anymore."

"Maura—"

"She lied to me mother. Or she at least wasn't completely honest."

"What do you think is Jane's finest attribute?" Untamed, blonde curls shifted as Maura turned to her mother, a little thrown off by the question.

"What?"

"What do you think Jane would say is the best part of herself?"

Maura thought for a moment, her arms coming to wrap around herself. "She would say her strength, definitely."

"And you? What would Jane say is your best attribute?"

Maura laughed for the first time in a while. "Probably my _big brain_ as she likes to call it."

Constance laughed along, sliding her hand up and down her daughter's arm until she uncrossed them and reached for her hand. "Imagine your intelligence being questioned." Maura sat silently not quite seeing the point of all of this yet. "Imagine someone comes along and makes it their entire goal to discredit everything that you think and have done with your work. Somehow…" she said moving her hand through the air, "in a particularly violent, unhinged way."

"Well, that would never happen because I—"

"What if they stripped every bit of what you thought you knew of your own intelligence and succeeded at it. Just imagine, Maura." The doctor swallowed at the thought. Though her mother's analogy wasn't really landing for her, she closed her eyes for a second and tried to imagine. Her entire career coming down on her, because of one person, hellbent on ruining it for her. It would be devastating. "How would you deal with that?"

"I don't know." Constance didn't continue but waited for her daughter to open up more. "I suppose I would be angry and scared…maybe withdrawn."

Nodding her head, Maura's mother scooted a little closer. "From what I understand, Jane's pride is a big part of who she is. Which isn't always a bad thing, but then take her most prized attribute and destroy it." Maura could feel tears on the cusp of blurring her vision and she shook her head placing her hands over her face. "Hear me, sweetheart," she said with conviction matching the strength it took to pry her daughter's hands away from her wet eyes. "I am in _no way_ saying that any of this is okay. But just for a second, think of what it means to be Jane right now. To have all of her strength, confidence…ripped away from her."

Maura sat with that, thinking that she could understand it better now. It wasn't like Jane's only attribute was her strength but just maybe, in Jane's mind it was the most important. She'd always depended on her wife to know what to say to make her feel safe or even protect her with her entire being. Maybe this was partially her fault for not telling her more often how strong she was in other ways.

"I…I think I understand what you're saying," Maura whispered.

"Again, I'm not saying that the lying…the secrets were okay, but maybe she thought there was no other way around it in order to protect you with whatever strength she had left." Maura cuddled closer to her mother, resting her head against her collarbone. She exhaled slowly and felt her mother's arms tighten around her. "Come on," Constance said sitting up a little. "We need to get you to the church. I'm sure the other bridesmaids are wondering where you are."

Indeed, they were and as Maura bumbled her way into the changing room, she had to brush off their concerns of her red eyes and puffy cheeks, instead complimenting Lydia on how beautiful she looked in her wedding dress and helped fix the crooked vail adorning her head.

On the other side of the church, Jane had finally convinced her brother to calm down enough for a walk out to the tent where the reception would be held. At first, they sat in relative silence, watching various family members setting up the chairs and add last minute touches to the decorations.

"What if I'm making a mistake?"

Jane didn't look at her brother as he spoke. Finally, she inhaled deeply and cleared her throat. "Do you really think that?" When he didn't answer she looked over to see the tail end of a shrug. "You love Lydia…and your little boy that she's about to have?"

"Of course, I do," he said harshly.

Jane nodded. "Well then what's _really_ holding you back." He shrugged again. "Tommy."

"I don't know. I just…what if I'm not good enough?"

"What?"

"For them. What if I can't take care of them like they need or what if something happens and I don't know how to fix it? What if I'm not…enough?"

"Tommy, of course you're—"

"I mean I see how you and Maura are together. You guys just work so well together. If one of you don't know how to figure something out, then the other does. You guys just fit…or at least you used to. I don't know…I'm…I don't know."

Jane swallowed at the mention of Maura. "Thomas. Look at me." He did almost immediately, looking so much like when they were kids. Desperately hoping for his big sister to say something to bring him relief. "Marriage isn't supposed to be a contest. You don't go comparing yourself to other people. That's how you get lost. Marriage is supposed to be about love and _mutual_ support. I have no doubt in my mind that you will take care of Lydia and your kid the way they need. I know I've kind of always treated you like a little kid…and I'm sorry." She reached up putting her hand on the back of his neck.

"S'okay, Jane," he said softly, looking away.

"No…no that wasn't cool. But I know now. You're a man, Tommy. A great one and your going to find your way. I know you are because you're smart and strong. You have all of us behind you and more importantly, you have Lydia. You're going to do right by her and your kid, but you have to remember that you've got _Lydia_ , Tommy."

"Yeah…yeah I do," he said letting out a relieved breath.

"So, when things come up and you feel like you can't handle them, remember that you have someone that is going to promise today to take care of you and protect you just as much as you want to protect them. _That's_ what marriage is about, little brother. Support should never be one-sided." She watched him take this in and as he leaned over to her she didn't hesitate in wrapping him in a hug. Frankie had always been like this, he needed her, but Tommy…well he was just like her in many ways. Always strong and fiercely, stubbornly independent. Having this moment with him made her heart melt and she held on tighter.

"Thanks, sis," he said.

She pulled back placing one hand on his cheek. "You've always got me, Young Thomas," she joked and was relieved when he laughed and gave her shoulder a jab. "Come on," she said standing and holding out her hand. "Let's get you married," she said shakily replaying the words that she had just told her brother…thinking about her own wife.


End file.
